Now What??

I have walked through my own personal hell in the last month. I have not known what to do or even how to pray. I have cried and talked until I have nothing left to say. So now what?? When plans change, when disappointment is still fresh, when you can't even remember the exact desicion or moment that landed you where you are what do you do?? How do you get up? How do you move on? What comes next? How do you allow yourself the chance to feel the pain, yet not dwell in the pain? Now what?
I am not sure I know the answer to these questions. I am not sure what is next other than getting up. Once again standing up and moving forward. Trying to hear once again what the Lord is speaking. Remembering who I really am... Now what??? I am not sure, but I hope to figure it out.

More Rambles

He knows my heart is for Him, yet I still have so many questions. All He is offering at this moment is a silent embrace. He is listening to my fears, concerns, emotions, and false accusations. When I am so mad at Him, He stays with me. When I am so mad at myself He hears me. He is not afraid of my feelings, even though I am. He knows me. He knows I want to be pleasing, but struggle to know how. He knows me well, even when I don't know myself. We are moving forward together. It is a slow journey right now. I am limping a little, but He is picking me up. He is not leaving me behind. He is patient, He is my friend. He is silent, but He will speak when it is time for me to hear. He knows me. He knows me well.

finally

It is the middle of the night and I am wide awake. I have been through some intense stuff this last month. Friend stuff, car stuff, injury stuff. It has not been easy for me, but today I did it. What you may ask??? I actually stood up and said, "enough". I tapped into all those stuffed emotions and figured out what I needed for a change. I feel like I can breathe again!! It really is a good feeling. I am not sure how everything will unfold in the upcoming weeks, but I am sure it'll all be fine. After all when things seem to be at the worst God breaks in. Welp, I must keep this short because My left hand is hurt and typing is a very difficult task.

Getting Up

Another intense week is coming to a close. I am so full of questions. Wondering what God is trying to show me. Things at times seem to be looking up followed by another load of pressure. It is hard to know what to do and where to turn. I run to God in a sobbing heap begging that He stay close. He never leaves and He listens. He is the light and keeps me from being swallowed by the stress of it all. I have never felt as honest with the Lord as I do now. I have nothing more to hide. He knows it all anyways. He understands. He has a plan. Things outwardly are looking grim, but my heart feels light. He is lifting the weight of all I have been carrying for months. He will be my defense and provider. I am no longer questioning His presence, I am simply crying out for it to consume me. Answers will come in due time, but love is needed now. He has given it to me. I am beginning to stand again.

Venting

I struggle against my own emotions more than anything else in life. I feel very deeply about everything and than feel bad about having all those feelings. As you can imagine this is a very exhausting circle. With all these feelings I am also plagued with a guilt of expressing them, so I hold a lot inside until I get sick. Also exhausting. In an effort to be released from this most exhausting experience I will now take a few minutes to ramble.
When I moved to Missouri I had grand pictures of everything falling into place, going on staff at IHOP, getting married (or at least going on a date) and moving forward. I have been here a year and none of this has happened. I have questioned, wondered, second guessed, yelled, screamed, repented, prayed, not prayed... I have done all I can think of to do on my own. It has totally SUCKED!! This year has been more difficult than any other season, which is saying a lot because I have faced my share of less than joyous times. I have absolutely NO CLUE what the Lord is trying to bring to surface, but I have a feeling it is some major life lesson that I will be very grateful for. In the mean time I am done being alone. I am done crying alone and done feeling alone. Life is not easy! It is hard. I have left everything, lost close friends, taken a job making no money, and live 2000mi away from my family. I have done all of this because I believe God has called me to great things and this is part of my journey. A journey that is still every unclear to me.
All this being said I want to make one thing very very clear. I am not someone to give up, pack my car and run when things are tough. If I was I would have done that months ago. I am going to fight until I figure out what the Lord is doing and saying. I am going to stay until another door opens. I am going to be honest about it being difficult. BUT I AM GOING TO GET MY VICTORY!! I did not move here to be overcome by the fight, I moved here for breakthrough and I will see it!!! So to the 12 people who are reading this rant STAND WITH ME!! It is time for a new chapter.
Thanks
Katie

Dreams

Do you ever wonder why we have the dreams we have?? Why we remember one dream and forget another? Why do some dreams feel to have meaning and others seem crazy?? Dreams are a weird thing to me. I have them often and I rarely have them about myself. I sometimes remember every detail and other times a vague outline. I have dreams about people I know and people I have never met. Sometimes I understand the meaning other times I am completely clueless. This year has been a huge one for dreams, but I am not always sure what they mean, which one is important, and how to interpret. Dreams...Does anyone understand them?

These Days

These days my heart is heavy. It is not heavy with sorrow, hurt or pain. It is heavy with longing. Longing to understand, longing to be close, longing for a new season. It is a heaviness beyond words, but I know it is not bad. It is simply another refinement that must take place. I know that it is good and it is not going to last forever, but it is not easy. It is exhausting!! I just want to scream, "God, could we please move forward and be done with all this now?!?" Yet, I know He is perfect in all His ways and He has a much better idea of what I need than I do. I have learned to embrace the tears, the longing, the heavy heart and be honest with Him. He gets me, even when I don't. He knows this is a difficult season and He reminds me that it is not going to last forever. I feel hope and I feel His love. Soon something is going to break.