My life in perspective

2012 has been a whirlwind. This year I knew was going to be full or change. I could feel it when the clock struck midnight. Something new was coming my way. I really believed that is would be a year that God came through for me. A year where the desires of my heart were seen and met. I was full of faith. The the shaking started. Everything I thought I knew, everything I believe was happening, every direction my life was aimed came crumbling down. How is it that I have faith one minute and the next I feel the need to grab onto anything or I may completely crumble? My answer:I don't know.
Life has dealt me some pretty intense cards this year. I have handle some moments with grace and completely lost control in others. I have had weeks of spiritual breakthrough and weeks where the thought of talking to God makes me cry. I have struggled so much with the "WHY" and the "WHAT IF". I have felt abandon and unseen. I mean if God loves me and has something great in store for me why would it not be happening? Or maybe all that is happening is merely the road to get to breakthrough and answers.
I often pray the God would guide me and keep me. I pray that I would live where he wants me to live, marry who he wants me to marry and be who he created me to be. I mean these prayers but when they are answered I freak out and question where the Lord is. What I am beginning to see is the answer to my prayers are not easy. Sometimes it involves tears and feeling left alone, but I see now that He is hearing me and simply closing the wrong doors so I will walk through the right ones. He is reminding me that He has been here all along I just have to look up and see Him. I understand that 2012 is my year, but to start off we must eliminate all the junk that is not for me.
If you are discouraged like I have been take a moment and reflect on what you've prayed for. Maybe He is not giving you the answer you want, but I bet it is the answer you need.

So I went on a fast...

So I went on a fast asking for change. I wasn't even sure what I wanted. All I knew is that Gos was stirring something up. I had a friend call and say lets fast, so I did. Well, I went on a fast and something changed! I realized that I wanted God more than I wanted my own desires. I came to the conclusion that God was opening the door for different housing and it was time to walk through that. I now understand that I am called to be a friend who loves above all else, but I am never to settle in how I am treated or what I desire in relationships. I learned that my heart is getting stronger in the Lord. I went on a fast and watched doors open for another ministry trip, Cyprus and Israel in March! So, I went on a fast and everything changed and the fast isn't over! I now see that prayer and fasting does change everything.

2012

I began last year in a very different place. I was wondering and pretty lost. I just had no clue what God was doing and why. As 2011 progressed I began to see that it was a year of moving forward and trusting God. It was challenging in every way, but the most rewarding time of my life. I feel that this was the year my destiny in Christ became a reality I am walking out. I was able to see how much Gods love and changed me and made me strong. I found a voice where there had been none. I became me again in 2011. So what about 2012?? I am not sure yet, but in my heart I am believing for a year of promises fulfilled. All I know is it is going to be good.

Nothing Else Will Do

The roller coaster has continued in my life. I face the glaring reality that my life is a mystery every single day. I have come to realize that my identity cannot be found in today or tomorrow, but in serving Christ. I am not sure why the simplest truths take the longest to learn, but I know now more than ever that my peace, my worth, my true identity can only be found in God. The more I seek to figure things out on my own or find fulfillment on my own the more miserable I become. The more I give in to God and His love the more I become true to who I am created to be. As His love transforms me daily I see that peace comes in knowing Him, not in knowing what tomorrow brings. Dreams are fulfilled in trusting Him, not in pushing for my own way. So in my seemingly long season of waiting I am giving up. I am giving up trying to figure any of it out. I am going to focus on one thing, falling on love with Christ. If knowing Him is truly what it is all about than I do not want my eyes on anything else. He knows my heart, my desires and His promises to me. He will make it happen, He will hasten the day. I am making a choice to rest in that and know Him more. In the end nothing else will do.

Seeking God.

What do you do when you know what God has for you and yet do not see it come to pass?? I have fasted, prayed, cried, begged, thanked, spoken in faith, taken communion, and cried some more. Now what? I know God hears me(sometimes it is hard to believe) and I know that He has the best in store for my life(sometimes a stretch too) but His timing MAKES NO SENSE! So now what?
My answer is trust, let go and wait some more. I am learning that I have no clue why things are the way they are. Why life seems to just open for one person while another has to fight at every turn. I do not know why Gods plan for me is what it is, but I must cling to that fact that it is good. I am proclaiming things that I do not see, I am standing when all I want to do is run and hide, I am giving God everything and expecting Him to move. I am sure that soon I will see a break through, but man this is tough.

Gems

It has been awhile. It seems as though I have had a season of silence. Many questions have risen in my heart, but some much needed clarity has been given too. As I type this blog I am just beginning to understand what God is doing in my life. I live a seemly normal life. I do not have much when you look at me. I work a normal job and I live Ina normal house. I am not rich, but I don't go without. What people don't see is my heart. My passion to please God and live fully in His will. People who know me know I constantly fight to figure out what God could possibly have in store for me. Today I can see clearly. I know just what God is doing in me. He is chipping away at me. What do I mean??? I am seemly normal but inside me is a gem of beauty. A gem that reflects the beauty of God. He is chipping away the ugly parts and even though I am a flawed gem He calls me lovely and calls me His. My life is normal but God is reflected in me. That is who I am. It is not easy when God is at work, sometimes it hurts but I know it is good and I would not trade it.

Mexico and Back

It was a month ago when Jody (bro in law) called me and asked if I would consider going with a team to Mexico. He had just been feeling like this might be something God wanted for me to do. Within a week I had the time off, a prophetic word about going and two supporters! Crazy miracles were happening!! So off to Mexico!!
I was in Juarez, Mexico with a team of 8 people for 5 days. I went in knowing only my bro Jody and a guy I had known as a kid, but not seen in nearly a decade. I was nervous to say the least, but with in five minutes of meeting everyone we were a team, a family. We built, prayed, preached, played and had a great time. I have so much to say about Mexico, but not the words at this time. Soon though:)
To all who supported me in prayer and finacially THANK YOU!!! God is doing great things!

FIrst 2011 Blog

The New Year has begun with a lack of blogging on my part. It has seemed as though time is flying and I am running to catch up. I am unsure of how to begin. My desire for 2011 is a whole hearted pursuit of God and what is next for my life. I never want to settle, but continually challenge myself to grow.
Some battles from 2010 have tried to creep in and I have fought them off in my own strength, failed, and had to release them to the Lord again. I remember that it is the same enemy, with the same tricks, trying to trap me into a very second rate existence. Luckily, it is also the same God, with unchanging love and strength, fighting for me. He is good.
This being said what will 2011 hold for me?? Is a move in my future or a deeper planting in KC?? Missions? Church Planting? Houses of Prayer? What is in store for me?!? Honestly, I have no clue. I am learning to wait for open doors and right timing. This is not easy for me. I want a clear word from God saying, "GO HERE NOW". Let me tell you this has not happened yet. What has happened is new opportunities being laid before me. I have entered a new season filled with grace and open doors. Through prayer I know that I will walk through the correct doors and He will close the wrong ones. I am so excited to see what is next!! It is a thrill to know that God has a plan and is the one in control. The seasons have changed and good things are coming for me, for my life.

Beauty In Freedom

Last year I made a list of things I wanted to see the Lord do. The list had personal things about going on a date to deep spiritual things I wanted for me or for my family. It was a pretty good list, but not totally realistic. But it got me thinking and prayer about where God was taking me, which was the whole point. As I sat in the prayer room today I started thinking about 2011 and what I wanted to see happen, but more so what the Lord wanted for me. He gave me one phrase. BEAUTY IN FREEDOM. 2010 was a year of letting go for me. Letting go of control, dreams, hurts, the past, and false identity, but 2011 will be abut freedom.
Freedom only comes with sacrifice and that has been this year. I have walked away from all I know, because I believe that there is a a beauty in the freedom of Christ. I believe it is worth fighting for and worth moments of pain. I know that God brings us to a wilderness so that we can see we need to hold on to nothing but Him. He knows that when we fully let go we are able to enjoy true freedom. He has stripped me of so much comfort. He has marked me like never before and it has hurt. He has done this so that I can enjoy freedom on a level I've never known. I am so excited because I can see true beauty on the horizon. It is going to be good!!
As I begin to write out my new goals for 2011, I will write without hindrance knowing that I am free to believe. I am free to trust in old promises and free to believe for new ones. Believe for the beauty of freedom in 2011.

Quick Update

Readers,
The last few months of my life have been a rollercoaster. There has been so many twists and turns I have not known what to do. I have struggled with feeling depressed and questioned just about every area of my life. One thing that has not changed is the consistant love of God. He has been patient and kind. He has allowed me to feel and not rushed me to be ok. He provided an amazing circle of people so full of encourgament, that I knew I was not alone. Most of all He set me free. Everything in my life is not perfect. I have make choices every day to walk in freedom and to stop the negative thoughts when they start, but I am no longer stuck in the hole of darkness. As always I can see that no matter how bad things seem we serve a very good God who will never leave or forsake us.
Never Giving Up,
Katie

Now What??

I have walked through my own personal hell in the last month. I have not known what to do or even how to pray. I have cried and talked until I have nothing left to say. So now what?? When plans change, when disappointment is still fresh, when you can't even remember the exact desicion or moment that landed you where you are what do you do?? How do you get up? How do you move on? What comes next? How do you allow yourself the chance to feel the pain, yet not dwell in the pain? Now what?
I am not sure I know the answer to these questions. I am not sure what is next other than getting up. Once again standing up and moving forward. Trying to hear once again what the Lord is speaking. Remembering who I really am... Now what??? I am not sure, but I hope to figure it out.

More Rambles

He knows my heart is for Him, yet I still have so many questions. All He is offering at this moment is a silent embrace. He is listening to my fears, concerns, emotions, and false accusations. When I am so mad at Him, He stays with me. When I am so mad at myself He hears me. He is not afraid of my feelings, even though I am. He knows me. He knows I want to be pleasing, but struggle to know how. He knows me well, even when I don't know myself. We are moving forward together. It is a slow journey right now. I am limping a little, but He is picking me up. He is not leaving me behind. He is patient, He is my friend. He is silent, but He will speak when it is time for me to hear. He knows me. He knows me well.

finally

It is the middle of the night and I am wide awake. I have been through some intense stuff this last month. Friend stuff, car stuff, injury stuff. It has not been easy for me, but today I did it. What you may ask??? I actually stood up and said, "enough". I tapped into all those stuffed emotions and figured out what I needed for a change. I feel like I can breathe again!! It really is a good feeling. I am not sure how everything will unfold in the upcoming weeks, but I am sure it'll all be fine. After all when things seem to be at the worst God breaks in. Welp, I must keep this short because My left hand is hurt and typing is a very difficult task.

Getting Up

Another intense week is coming to a close. I am so full of questions. Wondering what God is trying to show me. Things at times seem to be looking up followed by another load of pressure. It is hard to know what to do and where to turn. I run to God in a sobbing heap begging that He stay close. He never leaves and He listens. He is the light and keeps me from being swallowed by the stress of it all. I have never felt as honest with the Lord as I do now. I have nothing more to hide. He knows it all anyways. He understands. He has a plan. Things outwardly are looking grim, but my heart feels light. He is lifting the weight of all I have been carrying for months. He will be my defense and provider. I am no longer questioning His presence, I am simply crying out for it to consume me. Answers will come in due time, but love is needed now. He has given it to me. I am beginning to stand again.

Venting

I struggle against my own emotions more than anything else in life. I feel very deeply about everything and than feel bad about having all those feelings. As you can imagine this is a very exhausting circle. With all these feelings I am also plagued with a guilt of expressing them, so I hold a lot inside until I get sick. Also exhausting. In an effort to be released from this most exhausting experience I will now take a few minutes to ramble.
When I moved to Missouri I had grand pictures of everything falling into place, going on staff at IHOP, getting married (or at least going on a date) and moving forward. I have been here a year and none of this has happened. I have questioned, wondered, second guessed, yelled, screamed, repented, prayed, not prayed... I have done all I can think of to do on my own. It has totally SUCKED!! This year has been more difficult than any other season, which is saying a lot because I have faced my share of less than joyous times. I have absolutely NO CLUE what the Lord is trying to bring to surface, but I have a feeling it is some major life lesson that I will be very grateful for. In the mean time I am done being alone. I am done crying alone and done feeling alone. Life is not easy! It is hard. I have left everything, lost close friends, taken a job making no money, and live 2000mi away from my family. I have done all of this because I believe God has called me to great things and this is part of my journey. A journey that is still every unclear to me.
All this being said I want to make one thing very very clear. I am not someone to give up, pack my car and run when things are tough. If I was I would have done that months ago. I am going to fight until I figure out what the Lord is doing and saying. I am going to stay until another door opens. I am going to be honest about it being difficult. BUT I AM GOING TO GET MY VICTORY!! I did not move here to be overcome by the fight, I moved here for breakthrough and I will see it!!! So to the 12 people who are reading this rant STAND WITH ME!! It is time for a new chapter.
Thanks
Katie

Dreams

Do you ever wonder why we have the dreams we have?? Why we remember one dream and forget another? Why do some dreams feel to have meaning and others seem crazy?? Dreams are a weird thing to me. I have them often and I rarely have them about myself. I sometimes remember every detail and other times a vague outline. I have dreams about people I know and people I have never met. Sometimes I understand the meaning other times I am completely clueless. This year has been a huge one for dreams, but I am not always sure what they mean, which one is important, and how to interpret. Dreams...Does anyone understand them?

These Days

These days my heart is heavy. It is not heavy with sorrow, hurt or pain. It is heavy with longing. Longing to understand, longing to be close, longing for a new season. It is a heaviness beyond words, but I know it is not bad. It is simply another refinement that must take place. I know that it is good and it is not going to last forever, but it is not easy. It is exhausting!! I just want to scream, "God, could we please move forward and be done with all this now?!?" Yet, I know He is perfect in all His ways and He has a much better idea of what I need than I do. I have learned to embrace the tears, the longing, the heavy heart and be honest with Him. He gets me, even when I don't. He knows this is a difficult season and He reminds me that it is not going to last forever. I feel hope and I feel His love. Soon something is going to break.

Another Blog!!

I just finished reading the blogs I wrote on the trip out here. I can honestly say I was laughing out loud! What a journey it has been to move from Oregon to Missouri and to know I have already been here a year!! I am not sure how time has flown by so quickly, but it most definatly has. I am not sure what is next whether Missouri is a long term or short term home, but I have gained so much and I am so glad that I obeyed God. It has been a very good and very hard year for me. Yet, everyday I am able to look back and see something new the Lord has taught me. Anyways...if you want a good laugh go back to September 2009 on my blog:)

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I began my journey to Kansas City. I left Portland at 10pm with my friend Maria. We have known each other since HS. Everything about our childhood is different. Yet, after a trip to Walla Walla for Thanksgiving we became true friends. We were roommates for 6years including a season of sharing a room at my parents house. We went through more ups and downs together than you can even fathom. The months prior to the drive to K.C. things were difficult, but I had hope.
Days of driving, cheap hotels, PB and J, and talking could not have been more enjoyed by two people. It was as though everything was as is should be. I knew she was still in a tough place, but I knew she was being honest and that is what mattered. We were back to our friend/sister place and I loved it. When she left KC I sobbed, but I knew it was time for us to grown on our own.
This last year our paths have become very different. Our relationship seemingly broken. The only thing that remains is the love that God has placed in my heart for her. Through that love I believe and hope that one day things will be different. I know who she can be and I cling to that truth.
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up...bears all things believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..." 1 Corithians 13

Monday

This week I am Thankful for amazing time with my sister and her family




327. A trip to Nashville
328. Great work friends
329. Making new friends
330. Amazing time in the GPR yesterday:)