Everyday's Different

My life in perspective

2012-03-02T05:59:00.002-08:00

2012 has been a whirlwind. This year I knew was going to be full or change. I could feel it when the clock struck midnight. Something new was coming my way. I really believed that is would be a year that God came through for me. A year where the desires of my heart were seen and met. I was full of faith. The the shaking started. Everything I thought I knew, everything I believe was happening, every direction my life was aimed came crumbling down. How is it that I have faith one minute and the next I feel the need to grab onto anything or I may completely crumble? My answer:I don't know.
Life has dealt me some pretty intense cards this year. I have handle some moments with grace and completely lost control in others. I have had weeks of spiritual breakthrough and weeks where the thought of talking to God makes me cry. I have struggled so much with the "WHY" and the "WHAT IF". I have felt abandon and unseen. I mean if God loves me and has something great in store for me why would it not be happening? Or maybe all that is happening is merely the road to get to breakthrough and answers.
I often pray the God would guide me and keep me. I pray that I would live where he wants me to live, marry who he wants me to marry and be who he created me to be. I mean these prayers but when they are answered I freak out and question where the Lord is. What I am beginning to see is the answer to my prayers are not easy. Sometimes it involves tears and feeling left alone, but I see now that He is hearing me and simply closing the wrong doors so I will walk through the right ones. He is reminding me that He has been here all along I just have to look up and see Him. I understand that 2012 is my year, but to start off we must eliminate all the junk that is not for me.
If you are discouraged like I have been take a moment and reflect on what you've prayed for. Maybe He is not giving you the answer you want, but I bet it is the answer you need.

So I went on a fast...

2012-01-27T06:14:00.000-08:00

So I went on a fast asking for change. I wasn't even sure what I wanted. All I knew is that Gos was stirring something up. I had a friend call and say lets fast, so I did. Well, I went on a fast and something changed! I realized that I wanted God more than I wanted my own desires. I came to the conclusion that God was opening the door for different housing and it was time to walk through that. I now understand that I am called to be a friend who loves above all else, but I am never to settle in how I am treated or what I desire in relationships. I learned that my heart is getting stronger in the Lord. I went on a fast and watched doors open for another ministry trip, Cyprus and Israel in March! So, I went on a fast and everything changed and the fast isn't over! I now see that prayer and fasting does change everything.

2012

2012-01-01T14:21:00.000-08:00

I began last year in a very different place. I was wondering and pretty lost. I just had no clue what God was doing and why. As 2011 progressed I began to see that it was a year of moving forward and trusting God. It was challenging in every way, but the most rewarding time of my life. I feel that this was the year my destiny in Christ became a reality I am walking out. I was able to see how much Gods love and changed me and made me strong. I found a voice where there had been none. I became me again in 2011. So what about 2012?? I am not sure yet, but in my heart I am believing for a year of promises fulfilled. All I know is it is going to be good.

Nothing Else Will Do

2011-09-22T10:41:00.000-07:00

The roller coaster has continued in my life. I face the glaring reality that my life is a mystery every single day. I have come to realize that my identity cannot be found in today or tomorrow, but in serving Christ. I am not sure why the simplest truths take the longest to learn, but I know now more than ever that my peace, my worth, my true identity can only be found in God. The more I seek to figure things out on my own or find fulfillment on my own the more miserable I become. The more I give in to God and His love the more I become true to who I am created to be. As His love transforms me daily I see that peace comes in knowing Him, not in knowing what tomorrow brings. Dreams are fulfilled in trusting Him, not in pushing for my own way. So in my seemingly long season of waiting I am giving up. I am giving up trying to figure any of it out. I am going to focus on one thing, falling on love with Christ. If knowing Him is truly what it is all about than I do not want my eyes on anything else. He knows my heart, my desires and His promises to me. He will make it happen, He will hasten the day. I am making a choice to rest in that and know Him more. In the end nothing else will do.

Seeking God.

2011-09-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you know what God has for you and yet do not see it come to pass?? I have fasted, prayed, cried, begged, thanked, spoken in faith, taken communion, and cried some more. Now what? I know God hears me(sometimes it is hard to believe) and I know that He has the best in store for my life(sometimes a stretch too) but His timing MAKES NO SENSE! So now what?
My answer is trust, let go and wait some more. I am learning that I have no clue why things are the way they are. Why life seems to just open for one person while another has to fight at every turn. I do not know why Gods plan for me is what it is, but I must cling to that fact that it is good. I am proclaiming things that I do not see, I am standing when all I want to do is run and hide, I am giving God everything and expecting Him to move. I am sure that soon I will see a break through, but man this is tough.

Gems

2011-09-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile. It seems as though I have had a season of silence. Many questions have risen in my heart, but some much needed clarity has been given too. As I type this blog I am just beginning to understand what God is doing in my life. I live a seemly normal life. I do not have much when you look at me. I work a normal job and I live Ina normal house. I am not rich, but I don't go without. What people don't see is my heart. My passion to please God and live fully in His will. People who know me know I constantly fight to figure out what God could possibly have in store for me. Today I can see clearly. I know just what God is doing in me. He is chipping away at me. What do I mean??? I am seemly normal but inside me is a gem of beauty. A gem that reflects the beauty of God. He is chipping away the ugly parts and even though I am a flawed gem He calls me lovely and calls me His. My life is normal but God is reflected in me. That is who I am. It is not easy when God is at work, sometimes it hurts but I know it is good and I would not trade it.

Mexico and Back

2011-03-31T18:04:00.000-07:00

It was a month ago when Jody (bro in law) called me and asked if I would consider going with a team to Mexico. He had just been feeling like this might be something God wanted for me to do. Within a week I had the time off, a prophetic word about going and two supporters! Crazy miracles were happening!! So off to Mexico!!
I was in Juarez, Mexico with a team of 8 people for 5 days. I went in knowing only my bro Jody and a guy I had known as a kid, but not seen in nearly a decade. I was nervous to say the least, but with in five minutes of meeting everyone we were a team, a family. We built, prayed, preached, played and had a great time. I have so much to say about Mexico, but not the words at this time. Soon though:)
To all who supported me in prayer and finacially THANK YOU!!! God is doing great things!

FIrst 2011 Blog

2011-02-19T09:19:00.000-08:00

The New Year has begun with a lack of blogging on my part. It has seemed as though time is flying and I am running to catch up. I am unsure of how to begin. My desire for 2011 is a whole hearted pursuit of God and what is next for my life. I never want to settle, but continually challenge myself to grow.
Some battles from 2010 have tried to creep in and I have fought them off in my own strength, failed, and had to release them to the Lord again. I remember that it is the same enemy, with the same tricks, trying to trap me into a very second rate existence. Luckily, it is also the same God, with unchanging love and strength, fighting for me. He is good.
This being said what will 2011 hold for me?? Is a move in my future or a deeper planting in KC?? Missions? Church Planting? Houses of Prayer? What is in store for me?!? Honestly, I have no clue. I am learning to wait for open doors and right timing. This is not easy for me. I want a clear word from God saying, "GO HERE NOW". Let me tell you this has not happened yet. What has happened is new opportunities being laid before me. I have entered a new season filled with grace and open doors. Through prayer I know that I will walk through the correct doors and He will close the wrong ones. I am so excited to see what is next!! It is a thrill to know that God has a plan and is the one in control. The seasons have changed and good things are coming for me, for my life.

Beauty In Freedom

2010-12-14T12:29:00.000-08:00

Last year I made a list of things I wanted to see the Lord do. The list had personal things about going on a date to deep spiritual things I wanted for me or for my family. It was a pretty good list, but not totally realistic. But it got me thinking and prayer about where God was taking me, which was the whole point. As I sat in the prayer room today I started thinking about 2011 and what I wanted to see happen, but more so what the Lord wanted for me. He gave me one phrase. BEAUTY IN FREEDOM. 2010 was a year of letting go for me. Letting go of control, dreams, hurts, the past, and false identity, but 2011 will be abut freedom.
Freedom only comes with sacrifice and that has been this year. I have walked away from all I know, because I believe that there is a a beauty in the freedom of Christ. I believe it is worth fighting for and worth moments of pain. I know that God brings us to a wilderness so that we can see we need to hold on to nothing but Him. He knows that when we fully let go we are able to enjoy true freedom. He has stripped me of so much comfort. He has marked me like never before and it has hurt. He has done this so that I can enjoy freedom on a level I've never known. I am so excited because I can see true beauty on the horizon. It is going to be good!!
As I begin to write out my new goals for 2011, I will write without hindrance knowing that I am free to believe. I am free to trust in old promises and free to believe for new ones. Believe for the beauty of freedom in 2011.

Quick Update

2010-12-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

Readers,
The last few months of my life have been a rollercoaster. There has been so many twists and turns I have not known what to do. I have struggled with feeling depressed and questioned just about every area of my life. One thing that has not changed is the consistant love of God. He has been patient and kind. He has allowed me to feel and not rushed me to be ok. He provided an amazing circle of people so full of encourgament, that I knew I was not alone. Most of all He set me free. Everything in my life is not perfect. I have make choices every day to walk in freedom and to stop the negative thoughts when they start, but I am no longer stuck in the hole of darkness. As always I can see that no matter how bad things seem we serve a very good God who will never leave or forsake us.
Never Giving Up,
Katie

Now What??

2010-11-24T15:22:00.001-08:00

I have walked through my own personal hell in the last month. I have not known what to do or even how to pray. I have cried and talked until I have nothing left to say. So now what?? When plans change, when disappointment is still fresh, when you can't even remember the exact desicion or moment that landed you where you are what do you do?? How do you get up? How do you move on? What comes next? How do you allow yourself the chance to feel the pain, yet not dwell in the pain? Now what?
I am not sure I know the answer to these questions. I am not sure what is next other than getting up. Once again standing up and moving forward. Trying to hear once again what the Lord is speaking. Remembering who I really am... Now what??? I am not sure, but I hope to figure it out.

More Rambles

2010-11-17T15:50:00.000-08:00

He knows my heart is for Him, yet I still have so many questions. All He is offering at this moment is a silent embrace. He is listening to my fears, concerns, emotions, and false accusations. When I am so mad at Him, He stays with me. When I am so mad at myself He hears me. He is not afraid of my feelings, even though I am. He knows me. He knows I want to be pleasing, but struggle to know how. He knows me well, even when I don't know myself. We are moving forward together. It is a slow journey right now. I am limping a little, but He is picking me up. He is not leaving me behind. He is patient, He is my friend. He is silent, but He will speak when it is time for me to hear. He knows me. He knows me well.

finally

2010-11-10T00:33:00.000-08:00

It is the middle of the night and I am wide awake. I have been through some intense stuff this last month. Friend stuff, car stuff, injury stuff. It has not been easy for me, but today I did it. What you may ask??? I actually stood up and said, "enough". I tapped into all those stuffed emotions and figured out what I needed for a change. I feel like I can breathe again!! It really is a good feeling. I am not sure how everything will unfold in the upcoming weeks, but I am sure it'll all be fine. After all when things seem to be at the worst God breaks in. Welp, I must keep this short because My left hand is hurt and typing is a very difficult task.

Getting Up

2010-10-24T17:02:00.001-07:00

Another intense week is coming to a close. I am so full of questions. Wondering what God is trying to show me. Things at times seem to be looking up followed by another load of pressure. It is hard to know what to do and where to turn. I run to God in a sobbing heap begging that He stay close. He never leaves and He listens. He is the light and keeps me from being swallowed by the stress of it all. I have never felt as honest with the Lord as I do now. I have nothing more to hide. He knows it all anyways. He understands. He has a plan. Things outwardly are looking grim, but my heart feels light. He is lifting the weight of all I have been carrying for months. He will be my defense and provider. I am no longer questioning His presence, I am simply crying out for it to consume me. Answers will come in due time, but love is needed now. He has given it to me. I am beginning to stand again.

Venting

2010-10-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

I struggle against my own emotions more than anything else in life. I feel very deeply about everything and than feel bad about having all those feelings. As you can imagine this is a very exhausting circle. With all these feelings I am also plagued with a guilt of expressing them, so I hold a lot inside until I get sick. Also exhausting. In an effort to be released from this most exhausting experience I will now take a few minutes to ramble.
When I moved to Missouri I had grand pictures of everything falling into place, going on staff at IHOP, getting married (or at least going on a date) and moving forward. I have been here a year and none of this has happened. I have questioned, wondered, second guessed, yelled, screamed, repented, prayed, not prayed... I have done all I can think of to do on my own. It has totally SUCKED!! This year has been more difficult than any other season, which is saying a lot because I have faced my share of less than joyous times. I have absolutely NO CLUE what the Lord is trying to bring to surface, but I have a feeling it is some major life lesson that I will be very grateful for. In the mean time I am done being alone. I am done crying alone and done feeling alone. Life is not easy! It is hard. I have left everything, lost close friends, taken a job making no money, and live 2000mi away from my family. I have done all of this because I believe God has called me to great things and this is part of my journey. A journey that is still every unclear to me.
All this being said I want to make one thing very very clear. I am not someone to give up, pack my car and run when things are tough. If I was I would have done that months ago. I am going to fight until I figure out what the Lord is doing and saying. I am going to stay until another door opens. I am going to be honest about it being difficult. BUT I AM GOING TO GET MY VICTORY!! I did not move here to be overcome by the fight, I moved here for breakthrough and I will see it!!! So to the 12 people who are reading this rant STAND WITH ME!! It is time for a new chapter.
Thanks
Katie

Dreams

2010-10-13T07:53:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder why we have the dreams we have?? Why we remember one dream and forget another? Why do some dreams feel to have meaning and others seem crazy?? Dreams are a weird thing to me. I have them often and I rarely have them about myself. I sometimes remember every detail and other times a vague outline. I have dreams about people I know and people I have never met. Sometimes I understand the meaning other times I am completely clueless. This year has been a huge one for dreams, but I am not always sure what they mean, which one is important, and how to interpret. Dreams...Does anyone understand them?

These Days

2010-10-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

These days my heart is heavy. It is not heavy with sorrow, hurt or pain. It is heavy with longing. Longing to understand, longing to be close, longing for a new season. It is a heaviness beyond words, but I know it is not bad. It is simply another refinement that must take place. I know that it is good and it is not going to last forever, but it is not easy. It is exhausting!! I just want to scream, "God, could we please move forward and be done with all this now?!?" Yet, I know He is perfect in all His ways and He has a much better idea of what I need than I do. I have learned to embrace the tears, the longing, the heavy heart and be honest with Him. He gets me, even when I don't. He knows this is a difficult season and He reminds me that it is not going to last forever. I feel hope and I feel His love. Soon something is going to break.

Another Blog!!

2010-09-01T15:36:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading the blogs I wrote on the trip out here. I can honestly say I was laughing out loud! What a journey it has been to move from Oregon to Missouri and to know I have already been here a year!! I am not sure how time has flown by so quickly, but it most definatly has. I am not sure what is next whether Missouri is a long term or short term home, but I have gained so much and I am so glad that I obeyed God. It has been a very good and very hard year for me. Yet, everyday I am able to look back and see something new the Lord has taught me. Anyways...if you want a good laugh go back to September 2009 on my blog:)

A Year Ago Today

2010-09-01T10:23:00.001-07:00

A year ago today I began my journey to Kansas City. I left Portland at 10pm with my friend Maria. We have known each other since HS. Everything about our childhood is different. Yet, after a trip to Walla Walla for Thanksgiving we became true friends. We were roommates for 6years including a season of sharing a room at my parents house. We went through more ups and downs together than you can even fathom. The months prior to the drive to K.C. things were difficult, but I had hope.
Days of driving, cheap hotels, PB and J, and talking could not have been more enjoyed by two people. It was as though everything was as is should be. I knew she was still in a tough place, but I knew she was being honest and that is what mattered. We were back to our friend/sister place and I loved it. When she left KC I sobbed, but I knew it was time for us to grown on our own.
This last year our paths have become very different. Our relationship seemingly broken. The only thing that remains is the love that God has placed in my heart for her. Through that love I believe and hope that one day things will be different. I know who she can be and I cling to that truth.
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up...bears all things believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..." 1 Corithians 13

Monday

2010-08-30T08:01:00.001-07:00

This week I am Thankful for amazing time with my sister and her family

327. A trip to Nashville
328. Great work friends
329. Making new friends
330. Amazing time in the GPR yesterday:)

Life is Good

2010-08-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in my room listening to worship music. This is the first time in almost a week that I have been alone long enough to blog, think, and pray. I have come to realize that more than anything else I need alone time with the Lord. I am not someone who can go go go without feeling it. I get exhausted in every way. I believe this is a gift from God, it is my reminder that He is what I need. Although the last week has been insane it has also been good!! I went to Nashville for a concert and met some amazing people. On Tuesday my sister came to town with her family. I lived with my sister before moving to Kansas City, so it was like old times having us all together. All in all my heart is full. I am so joyful that God has blessed my life. Things are still tough at times, but when I slow down long enough to reflect on everything I can see the Lord at work. I believe this is just the beginning of a new and very good season.

all is well

2010-08-24T18:44:00.001-07:00

Not much to report:)Thankful that: I went Nashville, my sister is in town and I am very excited for another great and busy week. More later when time is not an issue:)

Monday!

2010-08-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

321. good healthy food...and now a recipe:)

I wanted to make a pasta dish that would be good cold because it is five million degrees here. What I landed on was amazing. So here is what I did
Boil pasta (about 1/2 a box) 2c. to 3c. uncooked (wheat pasta is best)
In a skilled saute
a little olive oil
1 yellow pepper
1 orange pepper
1/2 onion
garlic (to your liking)
salt to taste
once this is smelling awesome add
1 lb of asparagus chopped
1 cup chopped mushrooms
cook but leave some crunch. mushy is nasty
add to pasta along with sun dried tomato's, and feta, and balsamic dressing (as much as you like but don't drowned it)
Super good hot or cold...
You can also add chicken if you want

322. "date night" with Abby (3) and Krisalyn (3mths) We went to Chick Fil A and peachwave while Mommy and Daddy had a free evening
323. Healing Ministry!! So thankful to be apart of it
324. A new CD!! woot woot
325. being able to pay my bills...hate to see the money leave but nice to know I have my bills covered.

Restless

2010-08-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

Surrounded by unbelief I find my soul is restless. I am constantly questioning what is next and how I ended up in this valley. Was this all meant to be or is it a mere distraction? Finding my footing is one thing that I have managed but all I can do is stand. I am not sure if the stillness is good or bad, but it is all I have to offer at this moment. I dropped everything believing life would fall into place, it was not what I thought. It is a challenge, a daily battle. I want to run, but I refuse defeat. I know the more I read and pray the more of myself I will find. I believe that life will come back to my dead dreams, but I do not see it. When will this test be over? When will this valley end? When will the dry bones live again? All I know is that this is not it. There is absolutely more for me than this. More dreams, more visions, more words, more clarity, more direction... I know He is about to speak. I know He is about to break through on my behalf... That is what I must cling too.

Thanks

2010-08-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

311. Roommates who make you lunch when you're sad
312. Clarity that comes when the sadness has lifted
313. Blue Koi. Yummy food and great chats with Megan
314. Seeing how amazing my life truly is
315. An email from my brother. I love that guy.
316. My Dad buying me a plane ticket home.
317. Jogging...takes the stress away
318. My nephew telling me "I will be your boyfriend."
319. Lunch with my friend Jen
320. Amazing time alone with God. He has never failed me. He is always good.

Not Alone

2010-08-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

I am looking at my life today and realizing how blessed I am. This week has been very tough for me, but amazing all at the same time. I was hurt by a friend, but I was also set free. In a matter of days God has restored so much passion and desire in me for Him and for His plans. He has reminded me that I am not alone, but surrounded by incredible friends. He has taught me how to forgive, but also how to be more guarded. He is teaching me boundaries and how to move forward. Most of all He is simply loving me. I began this week in tears and I am ending it in smiles knowing I am absolutely not alone.

He Made Me This Way

2010-08-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

From the beginning I have known that God made me different. He made me tender and compassionate. He made me someone who forgives easily and loves deeply. He me quiet, but gave me a lot to say. He made me shy and bold. Most of all He made me a lover. I realize the older I get that I do not love the way others do. I tend to overlook most everything and find the teeny part of a relationship that is good and hold on for dear life. Unfortunately, this can cause some serious pain. I ofter question why I am the way I am. Why can I never just walk away from people? Why? Today as I was jogging I realized it is because I am a lover like my heavenly Father.
God loves on a level I cannot begin to comprehend. He sees past all the horrible things we do to hurt Him and hurt each other and loves us anyways. He never holds a grudge and He is quick to forgive. He is tender and He is kind. But God is also quick to defend. He is right in His judgment and stands by His words.
I am a lover, but I must also learn to stand. I must come to a balance and realize that the deepest love is proven in trial and the willingness to speak up. I know now that love is not only proven by standing by someone, but also in walking away. I am asking the Lord to show me the proper balance in my own life and relationships. I want to be a lover, but one who takes a stand.

Can't Keep Me Down!

2010-08-03T16:22:00.000-07:00

Life is so hard at times. I have been in a season of trials. Trials that I thought I had overcome long ago. It has been so difficult to face these trials so far from home. At times all I have wanted was to go to my parents house and have them baby me or call up both my sisters and go to a stupid chick flick. Unfortunately, that is not an option when you live 2000mi away. This trial is one I have had to face head on with Jesus. He has been my support when I have felt alone in Missouri. He has shown me the incredible people in my life that I can turn too(housemates rule!) Most of all He has reminded me that I am fully able to forgive and move forward no matter how wronged I feel. There is no grudge worth keeping and there is no trial I cannot overcome with the Lord. He is my strength and I am so passionate about who He is making me. I am stronger today than yesterday and that makes the trial worth it. I see now that I deserve to be valued and treasured. I am not settling now or ever. I have great things ahead. No more wasting time in the pit, I am getting up and running forward. Watch out world!!

Movement

2010-07-21T08:05:00.001-07:00

Life keeps moving forward even when we are not ready. It takes turns and twists that we don't expect. Even in the dullest of moments it is changing. At moments it feels like a whirl wind. At times the change is a gentle breeze, but either way you are moving. Knowing this to be true I constant question what direction I am headed.
I want my life to move forward in the direction of the Lord, yet I often fear that I will mess up. I am so desperate to please God, but I am not always sure what that looks like. How can I honor Him in changing and moving of life? How can I be all that he wants me to be? I am often overwhelmed with not knowing. I just want Him to say, "well done" and not "what did you do?" I want my life to be pleasing.
I realize that the only way to fully please Him is to live for Him and to understand that at times we all fail. I am not going to get it right every time. I am going to stumble, but I know that my love for Him will keep me getting back up. I know that every movement s one of faith, but that God will not cause me to stumble. I am sure He is with me and I am sure that whether a whirl wind or a breeze, He will be there to guide the movement of my life.

Friends:)

2010-06-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

I have had a frustrating few weeks that have left me at times feeling alone. As I look at my life though I see that I am truly blessed. God knows the right people for our lives we just have to trust Him. Here is a small glimpse of me and some friends having fun.
296. Bad hair cuts that make you laugh until you cry. (Julia and Me)

297. Wendy's...don't ask (Stephen)

298. Peachwave after Wendy's...yummy(Megan and Julia)

299. Cheesecake Factory (Me and Megan)

300. Waffle Night!! (David, Me, Roxy and Tom)

301. Movie night with my small group girls
302. Fly killing contest at work. I won!!
303. Song texts with Jenn
304. Steph hacking my Facebook account
305. Gods provision in EVERY area
306. Talking with my Dad. He is a really great Dad
307. My bible and journal
308. Courage I didn't even know I had
309. Seeing Karate Kid with my roommate.
310. God listening to me and speaking peace and comfort when I need it most.

Run

2010-06-27T07:44:00.000-07:00

After months of collecting dust I threw on my running shoes and ran yesterday. I ran off the stress I was feeling. I ran off the hurt and pain that was so heavy on my heart. I ran until I could be honest with God about my brokenness. I ran until I could not longer breathe. I left my IPOD and cell phone behind so that I could hear if God decided to speak. What I found on my run was peace.
The truth is life is a very messy business and it comes with grief and pain. It is far from being easy and some days are more difficult than others. Yet, when we know the Lord we should be living in peace. This doesn't mean the pain is gone or any less real, it means that you trust Him to carry it. I am so thankful that I am not alone and that He is always with me. He is my rock and my best friend.

Plans

2010-06-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure my life has never gone according to plan. Once again my plans are crumbling and I am left wondering what the Lord could possibly be doing with my life. I know His plans are good, but what are His plans?? Why am I here (in KC) and what is my purpose?? That has been constantly on my mind the last few weeks. I am not sure I know the answer anymore, but at the same time I know I have a good life. I do not wonder because of circumstances, but out of a desire to fully please the Lord. I want to live a life He is proud of! As I pray through these thoughts one thing is sure, even in my wondering He is near. He speaks when I need Him most, but He also keeps silent so I will learn to trust. I am so sure that He will show me "what now" soon, in the mean time I will sit with my bible, coffee, and journal waiting to hear Him. So if you are a faithful reader of my blog(mom) stick with me as I search out His plans once again.

Thanks:)

2010-05-24T20:33:00.000-07:00

Another week has gone by full of the goodness of God! I am so glad I serve such a good God!
286. JOB!!!
287. Coffee with a spiritual "mom"
288. Tears flowing because of an incredible touch from the Lord
289. Watching a really stupid movie with friends and adding our own twists.
290. Talking with my Cousin (Mind-o) of FB... she is pretty amazing
291. Dreams that make me laugh and give direction
292. A day with friends painting (painting isn't my fav, but the conversation was great!)
293. My nephew just wanting to say hi on the phone.
294. Peace... I can never be to thankful for the peace of God
295. The Lord being my "Husband" He is amazing.

JOB

2010-05-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

I got a job!! It is true. I am offically starting as a Starbucks barista on Monday. This is such an answer to prayer! This means next week will be full of Starbucks and starting at IHOP. I know it is all going to be good. I can see Gods hand on my life and how He is working everything out. I am the first to admit that I struggle in believing that things will work out, but God has never failed me. I am very thankful for that. Still praying over a few things, but I am pretty sure He has those figured out too:)
Thanks for all the prayers (and to those who support me monthly with $ THANK YOU A TON)

Multitude Monday

2010-05-16T23:18:00.000-07:00

It is amazing to me how the Lord always knows what we need when we need it. After a week of job hunting and way to much alone time I was blessed with a unplanned dinner with friends, a reunion with my pal Roxy, girls night and a movie at home. I am very blessed here in KC and it is always good when God reminds me of that fact.
276. housemates new baby Krisalyn (Krissy).
277. Jen and Roxy being back in town. I love my Intro Fam:)
278. Girls movie night turning into us girls laughing so hard we could no longer hear the movie.
279. A new coffee shop to hang out at with a good book
280. My housemates. I am so blessed to live here! They are so sweet and fun!
281. Pam's mom being here and cooking really great food
282. Watching North by Northwest...classic
283. Incredible time in the word and prayer! He knew exactly what I needed to read.
284. I HAVE AN INTERVIEW!! After applying last week I have my first interview tomorrow.
285. The knowledge that God has my life all worked out, even if I don't see it.

back in KC

2010-05-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

I have spent the week job hunting and trying to find my place here at IHOP. After days of sitting at coffee shops filling out endless applications I am taking a moment to blog. I would love to share that since I returned to KC everything in my life has unfolded according to plan and is perfectly wonderful, but that is not the case.
Life has continued to throw me curves and I am still learning how to let God navigate and not freak out and take over. I can honestly say that this has lead to some very intense and very honest dialog with God. Realizing that God hears my prayers is one thing, but realizing He hears my whining and rants about how I have no clue what He is thinking is another. As I become honest (perhaps for the first time) with God, the daily burdens become less. It is much easier to lay down what is so heavy on my heart, when I know God fully understands how it makes me feel. He is my comfort and my guidance and I am beginning to understand what it means to never be alone. There are a lot of unknowns in my life at this moment, but God has figured them out and I am pretty sure He'll tell me what I need to know at just the right moment.

Mom

2010-05-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

My Mom
Sitting on her lap in our giant brown rocking chair singing songs to Jesus I learned how to Praise. Watching her daily sit with her bible, tears running down her cheeks, I learned how to soak in the Word. Daily being pulled aside before school for prayer, I learned to pray. Hearing her tell the weirdest jokes, I learned how to laugh. She taught me to cook, clean, have fun, love and stand on my head. She gave me so much, including her face! To my twin aka Mom. I love you! Happy Mothers Day!

deep breath

2010-05-06T15:34:00.000-07:00

*deep breath* I am not alone. I am not standing alone in this life just trying to make it. I am fully guided, passionately loved, and always wanted by a wonderful MAN. Jesus has never left me and He has never stopped leading me. It is easy in the face of trial to feel alone and feel defeated. It is easy to give up, but who is our guide?
At the age of four I committed my life to Christ. Since that day I have been guided by Him. He has lead me out of trials brought on by life and ones I willing walked into. Today He is guiding me through a wilderness of emotion. He hasn't left me and He is ok with all my questions. I am feel Him here. I know He has a plan. I know He holds me up. I remind myself to take a deep breath and remember I am His. I have a good life, even if it is different than I thought. I have a million things to smile about and I know true joy. After all things never really are as bad as they seem.

Answers

2010-05-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes answers come when you least expect them too. It happens in the blink of an eye and a long time question is made clear. The clarity hits and you are left trying to figure out what to do next. Sometimes it leaves you questioning what you heard in the first place. Sometimes with clarity comes a dozen more questions that need to be answered. And somtimes with clarity comes tears.
Tears of not understanding why, but knowing God has a plan. Tears of feeling like you are exactly where you should be, but not sure what way to turn. Tears of knowing you have to speak when it is the last thing you want to do. Tears of loosing what was once a pretty fun dream. Tears of releaf...knowing you at least know you heard something...
God has a plan for me and it is good. I am just figuring out what good looks like in my story.

Clarity

2010-04-30T15:34:00.000-07:00

Clarity, clarity, clarity. The one thing I am always praying for and the one thing I always seem to be lacking is clarity. Clarity on what is next, clarity on life, clarity in every area of who I am. I pray constantly and I know He is guiding me, but must it always be a mystery? Does God at some point tell you out right what is next? If He does tell you whats next, will He follow that up with instructions on how to get there? I know that He guides my every step, but I am still have tendence to question and wonder. What does tomorrow hold?? Am I making the best choices?? Am I truly being led by God??
The fact of the matter is I have very little clarity on what tomorrow holds. I have no clue about a great many things in life, but I know He is with me. I know He has kept me safe and rescued me from some pretty huge messes. I know that clarity will come in His time and that He will not be rushed. I know that whatever He has for me He will provide for. I know that He is ok with my questions. He knows I am not great with suprises and I like plans. He has the best in store for me. I am just suppose to trust and follow one day at a time.

Monday...woot woot!

2010-04-26T16:24:00.000-07:00

What a great week full of amazing times.
266. Movie night before flying to Portland
267. Arriving home to a lunch with family
268. Coffee with my BFF

269. A few days at the beach

270. Jim and Patty's coffee with Jenn and Elli

271. Dessert party at Greg and Mindy's

272. God building my faith in the area of provision
273. An amazing service at TrueLife
274. Movie night with Steph
275. An incredible time reading the word and knowing God speaks we just have to listen.

Gate 41

2010-04-20T03:59:00.000-07:00

I am waiting to board the plane to Portland. I have not slept at all. I am sitting here excited to be home, but wondering what in the world is going on in my life here. I am in a time of transition and finding my place. I am figuring out my role at IHOP-KC and many other things too. I am learning how to trust God even when it is difficult. I am learning when to speak up and when to hold back. I am learning that no matter how old you are life is a mystery. I am not sure what will happen when I return to KC in two weeks, but I know that God will show me. He always speaks clearly in His timing.
Lord~
In every area of my life bring clarity.
Amen

Multitude Monday

2010-04-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

It has been a quiet week. Most of my close friends are home and I have had a lot of time alone. I have had a lot of time to seek God and lay all my emotions, prayers, hopes and dreams before Him. He is always there, He always listens and in the end still always loves. He encourages and He corrects. I am thankful for the moments that are just "us". There is nothing better than time with God.
251. Alone time with Jesus
252. Long drives filled with worship music, tears, prayer and breakthrough
253. Reading my bible by the lake
254. The search for good coffee
255. Breaking onto roofs
256. Coffee and long talks with Sonja.
257. Talking to my best friend
258. Calling my sisters and mom all the time...it is pretty fun:)
259. Laughing so hard you cry
260. A text from Jenn telling me Elli said "Jesuh"
261. Long walks with friends

262. Fish tacos with friends

263. Going to Portland
264. Tax Money and those who provided it
265. Finishing taxes.

27 Movies

2010-04-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

A friend decided that it would be a good idea to write down my 27 top movies in 27 minutes. It was pretty difficult, but I did it. Here are my results.
1. Roman Holiday
2. Little Woman
3. P and P
4. An Affair to Remember
5. The Glenn Miller Story
6. Anne of Green Gables
7. Sense and Sensibility
8. Two Weeks Notice
9. The Patriot
10. Woman of the Year
11. Corrina Corrina
12. Rock A Bye Baby
13. Seven Brides For Seven Brothers
14. Sabrina
15. Singing in the Rain
16. Guess Who’s coming to Dinner
17. Holiday Inn
18. The Wedding Planner
19. Sleepless In Seattle
20. Father of the Bride
21. The Godfather
22. StepMom
23. You’ve Got Mail
24. Black Sheep
25. Monkey Business
26. The Preachers Wife
27. The Village (I don’t care what anyone says I like this movie and most of his others too!)
It is pretty fun. You should try it too. Just take your age and write that many movies in that many minutes. See what you come up with.

27

2010-04-11T10:23:00.001-07:00

I am not a big party girl. I never have been really. The perfect birthday always involves my family and a few friends eating dinner at my mom and dad's. Even though I turned 27 yesterday it was my first birthday away from family. I was not sure how I was going to do, since on Easter (last week) I was near tears most of the day. Luckily God has blessed me in this season with incredible friends who have quickly become like family to me. I may be far from home, but I am very blessed with people who care about me.
236.Glow Worms. I loved them as a kid and getting one as an adult is just hilarious.

237. Grasshopper Pie

238. Amazing Friends

239. A midnight "happy birthday" text from my cousin and my sister Jenn
240. Calling my mom half a dozen times in one day and she still answers the phone
241. Watching a movie that is so weird you end up thinking about it the rest of the night.
242. Talking about what God is doing with friends
243. Silly texts during the worlds most boring class
244. Ending up at a hospital when looking for a coffee shop...good ol' Antioch
245. Finding good coffee in KC.
246. Song dedications all the way to lunch
247. Knowing that only great things come out of time with the Lord
248. Elli stealing Jenn's phone and dialing my number.
249. My dad being the first to call me on my birthday
250. The goodness of God. He always knows just what we need.

Why Am I Here?

2010-04-09T20:10:00.000-07:00

I am entering yet another new season. I am done with my internship and now I am in the process of becoming full time staff at IHOP. One of the things they teach us in Partner Development (fund raising class) is that you must clearly communicate your life vision and why you are doing what you are doing. This has really caused me to stop and think. What am I called to? Why am I in Missouri? What is the big picture?
What I know is this at 16 God called me out. I was bound within myself and He came and set me free. In that moment He gave me Jeremiah 1:5 and I knew I would one day go to the nations as a voice for the Lord. As I grew older I began to think this calling was insane and would never happen, but I knew it was the Lords heart for me. I went to bible college, did an internship and served my church waiting for open doors. It was a season of waiting and learning how to listen.
When I moved to IHOP in September I knew I was one step closer to what I was called to do. IHOP-KC is a ministry that passionatly pursues the voice of the Lord for this time and this generation. During my time planted in the prayer room I have grown very confident in hearing the Lord. I know He is speaking and I know He is using my voice to communicate. I believe that as I serve this house I will grow in the prophetic and eventually go to the nations. I know my voice will be used to communicate Gods heart for justice in the "END-TIMES."
My heart is to be planted deep in prayer and in the word that I cannot be swayed. I know I am choosing a path others will call crazy, but it is right. I am so sure that this is what God has set me apart for. I was always meant to be different and this is just the beginning of a great journey. I will serve the House of Prayer and go WHEREVER He calls me to. Yes, this is just the beginning.

He Knows

2010-04-06T06:46:00.000-07:00

Psalm 37:3-7a Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on his faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And justice as the noonday. Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.
Whatever God has planned for me it is good. I may not know what comes next, but He always does. I will delight in who He is and He will guide my steps.
~Thanks~
213. backyard camping
214. Peace when I am not sure what is going on.
215. Confidence in God
216. knowing who I serve
217. making sushi with friends
218. Texts that lighten the mood of a very boring class
219. Soy Chai
220. A new phone
221. A friends testimony of provision
222. Confidence that God provides for me, even when I don't see it.
223. Early airport runs that result in great talks
224. new books
225. Music, Jesus and Journals
226. Expectation for the future
227. Faith for what I do not see
228. A list of what I believe God can and will do this year
229. Watching UP with friends
230. Hearing Elli give me kisses on the phone
231. Talking to Malachi just long enough for him to say "I love you and miss you auntie Katie"
232. Talking to my mom and sisters daily. I really love them
233. Exciting birthday plans
234. My bible. It really has become my life line and my encouragement. This week it has kept me focused on what really matters and the fact that I am so so blessed.
235. Great church on Easter

Silent

2010-04-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

In life people can say some pretty rude things. I have been on the receiving end a some intense rumors and I always want to defend myself. When I hear anything that is untrue or remotely insulting I want to jump up and say "That is not me!" Is that the right reaction though? Lately I have been faced with the challenge of being silent. Thinking back on what Christ did for us one thing is very clear, He did not defend His name. He was confident in what the Father had for Him and He knew it was only the Father that could defend Him.
I want to be like Christ. I want to rest in the knowledge of God as my defender. I want to let truth reign and not focus on the negative. I want to be a person of reliance on God. I want to wake up and know that no matter what anyone says my identity is sealed, my future is bright, and I am His. So say what you will about me, I know who I am. I know the truth and that really is what sets me free.

Deep Breath

2010-04-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

There are times in life when the day to day is all consuming. It is hard to see past the worries of right now and know God has a plan. When you are in this place I recommend one thing. Get out of town. I am serious! Hop in your car and drive out of town. Take a hike with friends. Enjoy Gods creation. Breathe deeply. Most of all take a moment as you stand outdoors and realize God cares about every detail in His creation including you. He has worked it all out so stop worrying and just be where you are.

Do you hear?

2010-03-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

I woke up at five again. It was the Lord speaking. He has been talking to me a lot lately. His words are clear. I am not sure what to do other than listen and obey. I lay awake with the sinking reality I cannot go back. Before it was easy to live day to day life unnoticed, quiet, and safe. I was "safe" in my apathy so His words were far and few between. I heard little and did little. Now that my heart is awake I want to hear all He says.
My reality is now full of hearing His voice followed active obedience. I am beginning to look like a fool, but I just have to speak. I cannot hold back what He is saying. I must get it out. I am being humbled. The truth is I care what others think, but I cannot escape the Man who owns my heart. His opinion rules me. I must please Him! I must do as He says! With tears streaming down my face I can say with full confidence I would rather be a fool to man than live another day in silence.

Thankful...
206. The voice of the Lord
207. A new faith in my ability to hear
208. Strength to obey.
209. My incredible family
210. A movie with friends
211. Intro to IHOP
212. Sunshine and a beautiful lake

Multitude Monday

2010-03-22T08:59:00.000-07:00

My heart is overflowing with all that God is doing. I am about to begin my last week of Intro and I cannot even begin to describe how amazing the last 3 months have been. He has spoken so clearly and I am so excited to see what is next!
196. A fresh touch from God right when I am a the breaking point/
197. Being in a circle of passionate prayer intercessors.
198. My housemates being back! I am not meant to live alone
199. A mom who prays. I am so glad she hears from the Lord
200. Journals...I love connecting with God that way.
201. Deep unto Deep by Dana Candler
202. Girls night!! I am getting my hair cut. woot woot
203. Dreams...crazy good prophetic dreams
204. Smoothies!!!!
205. Another new season beginning.

Sweet Rest

2010-03-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

It has been a tough few weeks. It has felt like one battle after another. None of them huge, but all exhausting. I was at a point of pure frustration and desperate for God to move. Unlike the past I have strived to run to God in these times rather than away from Him, but it has been hard.
Yesterday, I got to IHOPU Stundent Awakenng(www.ihop.org) and I was determined to draw near to God. Within a few minutes I was praying with people and having a good time, but I needed to hear from Him. As I continued to press in God began to awaken the desire for prophecy and preaching within my heart and the next thing I know a friend and I are prophesying over each other and being dramatically touched by God. That is when the rest came. As His words washed over me I felt the rest that I had so longed for and the peace that comes after a storm. It was a reminder that I am seen, I am heard, and I am not alone.
I know that we all face different trails some huge and some small, but they are all exhausting. God knows and He will bring rest in the perfect moment.
For those of you who are dying to know, I have water again!

Water Still Gone

2010-03-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

It is day number 2 with no water. Yesterday at 6pm a man from the city finally cam to tell me that they broke a pipe, reported it to the wrong company, and it would be another day. At this point I had gotten used to no water. I mean what is inconvient about having to leave the house everytime you have to use the bathroom? So like any other 26 year old I did what had to be done, I sent out a mass text that said,"still no water need to spend the night who wants me?" Eventually I heard back from my friend Jen and stayed there. As I type there are guys outside working on getting me some water. I sure hope it happens soon becuase I have to use the restroom. Ugh.

Water how I miss you.

2010-03-18T10:33:00.001-07:00

I am currently living living life without water. Yesterday, the city workers came to fix a problem with the water main and neglected to turn it back on. So I called my housemates, who are out of town, to see what I should do. They called the city and nothing. I called this morning they said they would send someone out it no time. I got back from call and there was still NO WATER!! This is just nasty ok, I mean I am a shower once sometimes twice a day girl, no water is killing me. I decided to call again, this time they inform me that I must be home (hmmm they never metioned that before) and that they had until four. So now I am trapped at my house, with no water until a city worker finally decides to grace me with his presence. All I am saying is life without water is not a life I want to live. Being the stinky kid is not awesome in any way. Welp,that is all that I have from KC today:)
God is always good, even when the water company isn't;)

Quick Note

2010-03-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

I just had a quick note to share. Today was a seriously tough day for me. I have been very stressed about a great many things and it has been hard to press through. In all the stress and crying out to God I had a glimmer of hope. Where did this glimmer come from? It came from blessing a friend. Sometimes when I am stressed I realize I need to focus on giving to others, giving out of what God has planted deep with in me... As I helped a friend the peace of God ran over my heart. He is always good and sometimes we must give to see that.

And Then There Was Monday

2010-03-15T07:53:00.000-07:00

It has been a very long week. Not a week of all bad, but a week of mostly testing. I feel as though God is using every chance He has to shout "TRUST ME!" When I finally think I have conquered this battle I face another trial, whether it be finances, friends, or life(this week it was all three...ugh.). It is is way of beckoning me closer and I am learning how to respond. I am learning to run to Him with an honest heart, hiding nothing and fully embracing Him, even when I want to hide. All that said even in weeks that are not my favorite God is still good and I am still grateful.
181. The comfort of His WORD
182. Friends that make me laugh
183. Sisters who double as best friends
184. The knowledge the God is a healer and He is never late
185. $20 from a friend that was than given to another friend in serious need.
186. Laughing so hard you can't breathe over something that should be stressful... God can turn just about anything around for joy.
187. Girls night...what would I do without a bunch of food, chick flicks and good ol' girl talk.
188. Learning a seriously awesome game on Monday. Pegs and Jokers rules!
189. Dreams, I may not know what they mean yet, but at least God is speaking.
190. Cantalope...the comfort food of a daniel fast...
191. Misty Edwards Saturday devotional set... ihop.org...check it out
192. Knowing that God is my comfort
193. Knowing that God has a plan
194. Grocery Shopping for less than $25.00...gotta love sales
195. Hearing how proud my nephew was about loosing another tooth

Prayer

2010-03-09T06:12:00.000-08:00

I am living in a place known for prayer. I have learned a few things since coming here, but the most important one is that He hears the faith filled and the weak. I have moments of absolute belief that everything He has promised He will do and I have moments of complete insecurity that I will make it through one day. He hears me when I am at my weakest and my prayers consist of "Do you really see me?" He knows that my heart is for Him and He knows I am human and weak.
Prayer can be a funny thing when we try to make it sound just right and fit into a curtain box. The truth about prayer is that it is to be a time of our hearts connecting with His. If your heart is in a weak place why pretend all is well when you pray? I mean He knows my struggles already so why not be honest? He knows that sometimes it is all I can to not break down crying and He knows the days that I have enough faith to carry myself and others.
When we are honest with God it reveals two things. It shows us how much we trust God and where our hearts are. This is not a bad thing it is just a true reflection of our need for Him in every season. He listens to every prayer. Not one word falls to the ground. So be real, He can handle it and He will love you even in the weakness.

Multitude Monday

2010-03-08T07:29:00.000-08:00

After a week full of vulnerability and prayer I am finally seeing how God will take away all our comforts until we learn to cling to Him. As I cling to Him I see how much He truly has done for me and how much I have to be thankful for.
171. A sunny day at the lake

172. The joy of spending time with friends

173. Never being to old to have fun.

174. Taking a walk with the Lord and hearing Him speak clearly to my heart.
175. Long talks about nothing with my family
176. A much needed verse given to me by a friend.
177. Peace that only can come from the Lord.
178. A Mom who still will pray with me over the phone.
179. Listening to baby Elli "talk" in the background while speaking with Jenn.
180. A day off today...I need it.

Beautiful Blogger

2010-03-08T07:19:00.000-08:00

My lovely Mom gave me the beautiful blogger award, which was very sweet. Unfortunately, I am a little behind in the blog world and only follow like 5 people, but I will fill out the seven random facts about myself.
1. I wanted to be a pediatrician until I dissected a frog in 7th grade. It was so nasty that I knew I could never be a doctor.
2. I won the 8th grade talent show with my two friends. We did a dance to "surfin USA."
3. When I was like 5 I decided to run away from home, but than my mom yelled outside it was time for dinner so I went back.
4. There is no food I dislike more than cream cheese.
5. My favorite song to this day is "I love you Lord." My parents always sang it and it holds great memories.
6. Me and two of my friends slept in the trunk of my car at the beach about 3 years ago.
7. I almost always laugh at my own jokes.
I believe now I am suppose to give this award away... Well, I will give it to...My sisters Jennifer Becker and Stephanie Roscoe. They are both incredible and have great blogs.

No Walls

2010-03-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

I have been going through a class called Pure Heart on Tuesday nights. It is a class focused on inner healing and forgiveness. Going into the class nothing came to mind that I needed healing for, but I am smart enough to know there are more layers to your heart than you think. The class and consisted of me crying pretty much every week and dealing with things I thought no longer existed. These last two weeks have been especially hard, because I have had to face walls I have built up to "protect" myself. The funny thing about walls is that we think they protect us, but really they leave us standing alone. As the walls begin to crumble I am feeling vulnerable. I am comforted with the fact that I in my vulnerability Jesus is standing with me, I am no longer alone. The things that were my protection are gone and now the true Protector can take His place in my heart. I may not love feeling vulnerable, but I cannot describe the freedom that comes along with truly relying on God. He is with me, He is good, and I am no longer an island.

Thanks

2010-03-01T13:43:00.000-08:00

It is a slow moving Monday. It has been a wonderful day full of accomplishment. I went to the gym, did laundry, cleaned my room, and just chilled. I love getting everything done before the week starts. Thank you Jesus for today!

161. Talking to my Dad on the phone
162. Skyping with Chrissy for a long time
163. My clean room
164. time in Lathrop
165. The bible...it gets better everyday
166. Nacho Libre with friends, it is still so funny.
167. My Dads crazy awesome taste in music that I am currently benefiting from
168. Amazing new friends
169. Elli playing with the owls I made her
170. My family, I am very blessed. I miss you guys!!!

My monday blog on Tuesday

2010-02-23T13:51:00.000-08:00

It was one of those days that i felt completely raw on the inside. You could have said anything to me and I would have cried. It was a moment of knowing God wanted more of me and I did not have any clue how to give it. I was in a place of longing for more of Him, but not knowing how to be open and let walls fall. I met with a friend and just allowed my heart to speak. In the end I realized it was time to truly let Him closer. He was longing to unlock another door inside my heart, but i had to let Him close to do it. After speaking with a friend I went and just cried and let the tears wash over me. I read about the dedication of those in the bible and cried more. I let Him so close that it hurt, but I knew it needed to happen. When I let my guard down He met me. He brought gentle correction and comfort. He did not disappoint, He was good.
151. Friends who push you toward God
152. A fun homemade blanket from Chrissy...She is the sweetest friend ever
153. Tears of change
154. Powerful times in prayer
155. Being challenged to push for more and not be satisfied with the little.
156. A wonderful intro family who had me over for breakfast and always make sure I am ok.
157. Making ridiculous videos with friends just because we can
158. Talking to Jenn on the phone and hearing Elli in the back ground
159. Awakening services that words can't discribe
160. Friends who love me so much and don't make me walk when my car in dumb.

Focus

2010-02-18T14:38:00.000-08:00

The tears fell down my face as I realized how much I go after earthly things. I long for God, but I long for the things of this world too. It is the constant battle of flesh and spirit. I want more of God and I want fleshly stuff. The more I seek hunger and righteousness, the more I see the wickedness of my flesh. I see how little I truly put into my relationship with God and it breaks my heart. I cannot help but wonder what my life would be if I fully gave myself over to the Saviour of my soul. What if I truly abandon myself to Him? What would my life be like? All I know is I want my focus to be fully on Him. I want to be His and His alone. I want to let go of my dreams and desires for His. I want to fight my sinful flesh. I want to fight against myself to draw near to my Beloved. I know that it is worth it.
Lord, help me to persevere in my pursuit of You. Let me never be content where I am. Let me never settle. Give me dove's eyes for You. Become my life's obsession. Let all I am be found in You. Amen

good times

2010-02-15T13:09:00.000-08:00

A year ago today my beautiful niece Elliana Valentine was born. Happy Birthday Elliana!
Anyways... I have much to be thankful for today...
141. Elli
142. My nephew calling to say he missed me
143. My nephew telling me he met the tooth fairy and that the tooth fairy has wings and a blue shirt.
144. Maudi always wanting to chat anytime I call
145. The best valentines ever:) Just check out the pics

146. hearing God when you need it most
147. blessing of good friends
148. slumber parties
149. flowers from my best friend
150. a valentine from my mommy and daddy:)

Home Sick

2010-02-13T21:19:00.000-08:00

Today was Elliana's first birthday and I am in Missouri. It was a good day, but hard to be here and not Portland. I realize that serving God comes with some sacrifice and this is one for me. I know it is a small thing, but it is tough. The thing that keeps me going when I am home sick is knowing that I am serving Him with purpose. I may not be with my niece on her birthday, but she will know that I love her, but most importantly that I love God. I pray that she sees through my life that God is worth absolutely everything and that He is always good. It is in the small sacrifices and the letting go that God shines through... Happy Birthday Elliana Valentine! You are a beautiful blessing to our family. May you grow to love Jesus all the days of your life... I love you so much.

Jeremiah 29:11

2010-02-12T13:14:00.000-08:00

In every new journey with God there is a new level of trust that must be developed. Trust that you are on the right track, trust that He will be there in you fall, trust that He will provide, and trust that He will speak when it is time to move on. When I came to Missouri in September I had all the money, the place, the job waiting back home, and a clear plan. When I came back in January I had God, the support of my church, little money and no clue what I was going to do long term. I trusted He had me come back, but I had a hard time trusting in every other area. The longer I am here and this season of change the more I can feel the pull to fully let go. He is beckoning me to let Him lead in all areas, but it is hard. I want a plan. I want to know what next month will hold, but He wants me to be able to follow His leading without the clear plan. He is beckoning and I am beginning to let go. I am seeing now that walking back faith is only possible if you trust the one you are walking with. He sees even when we don't.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts I think toward you," declares the Lord, "thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you a future and a hope."

My Valentines

2010-02-11T14:45:00.001-08:00

This year for Valentines I will be in Missouri hanging out with friends, but three people have my heart so I posted my favorite pics of my Valentines.

Smiles

2010-02-08T11:57:00.000-08:00

I am sitting at a coffee shop with my head phones in, coffee in hand, watching it snow. I should be studying my Revelation notes for a quiz on Thursday, but my brain can hold no more information. I am sitting here with a cheesy grin on my face, I am happy. You cannot study Revelation and be anything but thankful for all Jesus has done for us. He has given us a road map so clear that we should have no doubt that He is on our side and will guide us. What a joy it is to be living in this generation! I live knowing I could very well see the return of Christ! This very revelation used to terrify me, but now it brings a smile to my face. My heart knows the love of Christ and longs to dwell with Him. He is just so good!! Anyways... I have a lot to be thankful for so lets get to it...
121. Revelation Study Guide by mike Bickle...helpful
122. True deep rooted Joy
123. Loving where I am and not feeling like I have to have my life figured out.
124. Suprise coffee date with a new friend
125. Super Bowl Party
126. Realizing Jesus loves me for me and not for what I do
127. Realizing I love Jesus for who He is and knowing I will have eternity to discover His heart
128. itunes gift cards from my christmas stocking...new music rules
129. My parents... I really just love them and the more I hear others stories the more I see how blessed I am.
130. Chinese food with Julia
131. Lorens brother thinking my name really was Stewart Katie and not Katie Stewart
132. Getting lost in the airport parking lot for 30 minutes looking for my car with Loren and Adam.
133. Sledding with Loren running into a bush and being "rescued" by Adam, which resulted in Him crashing into us and making the whole situation worse...lol
134. Silly inside jokes with friends
135. Sisters! Mine are better than yours just deal with it:)
136. Roxy driving me around because driving in the snow freaks me out.
137. Not getting the cold everyone else has!
138. Americano with half n' half
139. My mom knowing more about Blogs than me and changingmy page...isn't it nice?
140. The life God has given me...He is just so good!!!

So Good

2010-01-30T09:20:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago at the awakening service we were singing "if you ask for bread He won't give you a stone, if you ask Him to come He won't leave you alone. He is a good good Father and we are His sons and daughters." This has not left me for days. I can feel the passion stirring in my heart once again. My Saviour is awakening promises long forgotten about and given up on. He is reminding me that His word is always true and that He is going to do what He said.
I hate to say it, but I give up easily. I hate to lose and that causes me to not want to try. When I don't see immediate answers I often let it go. I know that God is good, but I don't ask to often for what is deep in my heart. He does not forget His promises though and He wants to come through. He wants to give us our hearts desire. We simply have to ask and wait.
His timing is not always the same as ours, but it is so perfect! I have never been let down by God. He has kept me single so that I could be here in this time and season! He has blessed my life abundantly. I know that my future is going to be amazing, because I see how blessed I am now. He really is a good Father. He fulfills every promise He makes in the very best way and best time. Don't give up just because you don't see results right now. If you ask He will break through in the very best moment.

Journey

2010-01-25T10:46:00.001-08:00

It was only a year ago that I was sitting at IHOP-KC crying out to God for my friends, for my future, unsure of what was next. It was a year ago that my heart was so broken and unsure of your love. It was a year ago that prayer was my constant battle. The longing of my heart was for you, but the action of seeking you was a constant battle. I would cry out in the night feeling that you were so far from me, convinced You could not hear my feeble prayers. I was consumed with loneliness on a spiritual level. It was another dark valley.
I have had a few of these valleys in my life thus far. Times of wanting to be close to God and not knowing how, of wanting His friendship to be enough, but not seeing how that could ever be possible. It was a year ago I determined to find Him. I had to know this God I had given my life to.
This morning I sit on the verge of tear with a heart overflowing with gratitude. I look back and see the richest year I have yet had spiritually. I am tearing up as I think of how good God has been to me. He has shown up at just the right time. He allowed me to walk through the valley to awaken my hunger. He allowed a taste of His goodness, followed by a season of longing for more. He taught me to find my joy in the seeking as much as in the sitting before Him. I am grateful. I am in love with a good God who has beauty beyond measure.
116. My wonderful God who has shown Himself faithful
117. Break through
118. A heart overflowing with Joy
119. the song "Hallelujah Jesus" by Evan Wickham
120. My best friend and beautiful Saviour, He is changing me.

I love Him

2010-01-23T08:44:00.000-08:00

I am in a process of constant stretching. God is taking me on such a spiritual ride that words would not discribe it. I am becoming more of who I know God has called me to be. Everyday I wake up anticipating being with Him. He has blessed me beyond belief and it is only the beginning. The more I allow Him to take away the more of Himself He pours in. I am just so in love with my Savior. He truly is the best.

Power

2010-01-22T06:23:00.000-08:00

Last night my internship here at IHOP went up for prayer. To be honest I had little to no expectaion of what God wanted to do. I see God shake people to the core everynight, I see the outward manifestations and I just figured that was not me. Last night though God broke me and healed me. I was on the floor (not normal) and I saw a vision of me with all these daggers in my sides and back. God asked to remove them and I didn't want him to at first because I knew it would hurt, but He asked again. The second time I cried out and said God take away anything that is keeping me from recieving from you. As he pulled each dagger of rejection, bouundage, and wrong thinking out He would touch the wound and it was gone. It did not even leave a scar it was as though it never happpend. I got up and I knew I was healed. As I proclaimed the healing I began to be filled with His Spirit in a whole new way. I became one of those people manifesting His power. I am still shaking as I type knowing how good the God I serve is... Be free today.

Life is good

2010-01-18T13:14:00.000-08:00

I was sitting there last night listening to the beautiful sounds of worship coming from my new friends and I felt at home. I felt like I finally found the people with the same passion and drive for God that has always been a deep part of me. People that I could say anything to and know they would lift me up in prayer. I never would have known God had this in store for me, but I am so grateful. I am sure the best is still yet to come.
101. New friends
102. Deep work of God in my heart
103. beautiful worship with friends
104. a day to get all the must do's done...
105. my wonderful cousins who support me always and paid to get my car fix.
106. Being a full time intern. I may have 0 dollars, but I have peace of knowing I am doing the right thing
107. Good talks with friends
108. Texting my sister about heart matters
109. Letters from my niece and nephew... so funny so cute
110. my baby niece kissing the phone as we talk
111. pepper jack cheese
112. a clean car
113. The best small group ever!
114. being so in love with Jesus

Another Layer

2010-01-17T12:33:00.000-08:00

Time for another layer to be removed. Living a life for God comes with much joy, but first a little pain. Friday I was faced with yet another layer of insecurity that has held me back. It was another layer of "trust issues" that God wanted to free me from. Only this one was hard for me to see. It was this chronic pain that I was so used to. I honestly did not notice it anymore, because it was so apart of me. God saw it and wanted me to be free.
As I began to pray this through I began to see how comfortable I was in my brokenness. This angered me. How could I be comfortable living with everyone at an arms length? How could I be comfortable not trusting? I was comfortable because it was what I knew. It was a defining part of me. People hurt you, so you have a guard up. It was the sad truth that had dictated my relationships for so long. I would let people "in" but not all the way.
We are created to love. Not only are we created to love God, but we are created to love one another. True love begins in letting people close, so close that you are vulnerable. This means there will be pain, but love is worth it. As I began to proclaim these truths over myself I felt such freedom. People will hurt me and I will hurt them. After all we are all loving out of a fallen nature. It is so much better to love and be loved, than to be alone and "safe."
If you have been hurt and are facing the same trust issues I had face them head on. Open yourself up to God and to others. We are made for relationship. Don't stay trapped. Be free.

Guidance

2010-01-14T10:22:00.000-08:00

I sighed as I walked back into the International House of Prayer on January 5th, I was home. I would have never guessed a year ago that this is where God would be planting me. Even through out the fall I kept thinking I was going "home", littler did I know I was already there.
God has continually asked me to trust His guidance, but through my ignorance I have lived in fear of what is to come. In this season, I have had more uncertainty than ever before and more peace. I am so confidant in the Lords guiding that there is no longer room to fear. I am confident that whatever is to come in my life will lead me closer to him and that is really all you can ever ask for.
I am encourage everyone, no matter where you find yourself, trust your Father. He is so good and He will guide you in perfect peace.

Being thankful...

2010-01-11T12:38:00.000-08:00

I am sitting at my KC Mo house thinking of how truly good God is. I am very blessed in every aspect of my life. I am not always have the clearest picture of where I am going, but I am always confident God is with me and goes before me.
91. New Seasons
92. Being in KC
93. Knowing I am in His will
94. Intro to IHOP
95. New friends, coffee, and pure fun
96. My family being with me at IHOP for a week
97. The support my home church offers me... I really would not be here without them
98. Gods beautiful peace
99. laughter at just the right moment
100. Holy Spirit rocking me on Saturday

I AM BACK!! woot woot

2010-01-09T20:21:00.001-08:00

Wow, it has been awhile!! I am back in KC and I am loving every minute of it. I have already been touched by the Lord and it is wonderful. It is amazing how God will bring you to a place of complete discomfort so that He can pour His love. I am learning more and more how to rely on Him and it is changing my life. Welp, I am back and the blogs will be coming!! Keep Reading:)

Monday Again!

2009-12-14T19:50:00.000-08:00

It has been so long since I have blogged...too long. My every moment has been full since arriving in Portland. I have been working, with family, and friends. I am loving the season and the time home before going back to KC. I have so much to be Thankful for and I wanted to make sure I did not let another Monday go by without sharing my multitude of thanks
81. A fancy day with my sisters, mom and oldest niece
82. Staying up until 1 watching Julie and Julia with my mom
83. Dad making breakfast for me...He always makes breakfast when I stay at the house..
84. Having a slumber party with my sister.
85. Decorating cookies with my family
86. A mom who speaks encouragement when I am stressed about money
87. Cooking...I love everything about the art of cooking
88. Baking...this is different trust me
89. Worshipping a God beyond compare
90. My dads awesome sermon on Sunday

TIME WASTER

2009-12-03T21:53:00.000-08:00

I have been back to work for almost a week and I am battling the "time waste". What do I mean? Well, to be honest nannying is one of two things all the time. It is a totally easy with nothing to do or it is the most stressful situation in the world and makes you cry. This week is an easy one. I am thankful for that, but it makes it very easy to waste time. You see when the children nap I am left with little or nothing to do. This leaves me with a few options. 1. Watch TV 2. Stare into nothingness 3. Go online 4. read 5. spend time with God and read the bible..... Even though I want to say I always choose 4 or 5 I do not... I waste my time doing nothing... I cannot stand it!! Why is it that I do not take advantage of every moment??? I mean sure I am doing WAY better than before Missouri. If you read my last blog you can see that, but I still waste so much time.
The truth of the matter is old habits sneak up on you quickly. In Missouri TV was not an option, Internet froze all the time, and I had a prayer room down the street, but at home it is different. Yet, I know that God is my first love and choosing Him is what my heart longs for. In the end we all have a choice do we allow the old habits to take control or do we fight through the "time waste" and overcome them? I choose to overcome. I will not slip back into my old ways, because I see now what I have missed out on and I choose HIM. I encourage you battle through the time waste, it is always worth it.

Catching Up

2009-12-02T07:27:00.001-08:00

It has been to long since I have blogged. After a few corks in my flight I made it to Portland for Thanksgiving. It has been an adjustment going back to work and life, but God has been faithful. He has shown up at every turn. I simply love Him.
Since I arrived home God has shown Himself so faithful to me. I have begun to understand what it is to set aside not just blocks of time for God, but moments for Him. At work I have been going on walks with the baby, putting in my IPOD and praying as we walk. Taking moments with God has been what has kept my heart in the right place. It is these small glances that keep us connected to the heart of God. I encourage you all to take any moment you find and give it to the Lord. You will be amazed at how much time you will be able to spend with Him.

Portland Here I Come!

2009-11-25T09:31:00.001-08:00

My three months ends today. I am about to head out the door to our final Commission Class. It is impossible for me to put into words all God has done in my heart. I came here, because I knew it was what God wanted. I had no clue about the class, the people I would live with, or where anything was. Now I am leaving loving my class, the people and anticipating coming back in a month. God has been more than good to me.
In the last few months I have learned to let my guard down. I have learned to trust. Most importantly I have learned the love of God, even in my weakness. I am still changing and I still have a ways to go, but I am in process.
I believe that no matter where we are in live we can have a thriving relationship with God. We can become the people He created us to be and we can do it without strife. We simply have to trust Him. When we do we see that it is all worth it.
I know I am going home changed. I am going home more in love with my God than any other time in my life. I am ready. Thank you God....

A full Heart

2009-11-23T17:43:00.000-08:00

I will be in Portland in 2.5 days. My week has been full of renewal meetings, prayer room time, friends, and my visiting family(dad and cousin). As I reflect on all that God has done this week I cannot being anything but grateful. He has dug deep into my heart to make more room for Himself. Old ways of thinking are being torn down layer by layer and I am becoming even more aware of how tenderly He deals with His kids. I love the Lord so much, my heart is so full! I feel so free to believe His good plans for my life. I feel so free to expect the very best. I finally see that His gifts are out of love and they will never disappoint.
81. Gods dealings
82. Tears...God created me to be tender and He has given that back to me.
83. Seeing God touch my dad and greg while they were hear.
84. Laughing so hard you cry. (dad and greg are out of control)
85. God knowing I needed someone to pray for me, even though I was to proud to ask.
86. Good gifts from heaven
87. A journal full of ups and downs
88. Peace
89. Videos of Elli "kissing" her doll
90. Talking to my 6yr old niece and knowing she has already planned a girls day for us

I love Multitude Monday

2009-11-16T09:07:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe how much has changed in a weeks time. One thing I am so sure of is Gods perfect timing. He stretches us so that we will trust more and He always comes through. I have seen this time and time again. I have so much to praise God for.
66. His plans and purpose being revealed one step at a time
67. Supportive and amazing parents
68. Gods provision
69. A great time praying with new friends
70. Knowing God made me specifically the way He wanted me
71. Seeing young people free in the Lord
72. All God is doing in Missouri
73. The confidence to speak to God about everything and knowing He hears all my words
74. Freedom from past wounds
75. Cold crisp weather
76. Multitude Mondays, it always is an encouragement to me
77. Talking to Brian about service while he watches over the web
78. Listening to sermons from home
79. My daddy coming to see me and treat me like a queen. I love that guy.
80. Never settling.

Scars

2009-11-14T14:19:00.000-08:00

Last night I was at church and I was just feeling down. I was not sure what it was, but there was a heaviness over me. I could not shake it. I asked a girl to pray for me and for the most part it lifted, but I could still sense it. Towards the end of the evening all my friends had gone home and I was sitting surrounded by people I did not know, I asked God to reveal the source of this rejection issue. I wanted to know why I was always feeling second best. Instantly a situation came into my mind where I was hurt by a friend (emotionally, we all know I am buff). I had never connected the two things, but this situation seriously altered my view of myself. I began to sob uncontrollably. I asked God to break it once and for all. As quickly as it came it lifted. The tears dried up and I was free.
Today I woke up feeling free in my heart. Free to trust and free to be myself. I felt worthy and not second class. Sometimes even when we forgive people the scars still cause pain. I know that when I had stitches on my leg the scar hurt for a good year afterwards. When it comes to matters of the heart we need God to come and touch our scars. He must touch those scars so that we do not base every situation on the one time pain. I know that He can do it. He did it for me. Ask him to show you the hidden scars that need healed, He will touch you!

Quick Blog

2009-11-13T14:52:00.000-08:00

Quick Update: God is doing incredible things here at IHOP. I am so excited about all He has done even in me. I know that even though I love Him there has been walls up in my heart. I am afraid of being disappointed. God has broken those down this week. I have never been so full of joy in my life. I may not know fully what my life will be, but since taking the step of faith to move here God has been pouring over me. I believe so strongly in the goodness of God!! Even this morning I was reminded of a prophetic word I received years ago about God making my path smooth. He is! I encourage you to submit yourself to the Lordship of Christ, there is no better way to live! May the joy of the Lord find you!
Services at IHOP are free to watch online www.IHOP.org

Obey

2009-11-11T22:08:00.000-08:00

For weeks I have been wrestling with what God wants me to do. Truth be told I am not big on leaving my comfort zone. I like things the same. I like living near family. I like going to church and seeing the same beautiful people. I like the routine of work. I like having a sense of whats next.
Being in Missouri has been the opposite of comfort. I came knowing only the Groves who are an hour away. I had to learn how to live just me and God. It was so difficult, but I knew God was preparing me. I knew the first time I came here I would end up here one day. I applied for Commission at the leading of God and I thought I would go and than return to comfort, but God has other plans for me. He knows that more than I love comfort I love to please Him. I want to live for Him no matter what that means. For this current season it means another leap of faith. It means returning home for the holidays only to come back. It means staying until God says move. It means making friends all over again. It means growing even more in my passion for God. He is faithful, He always has been. I am not affraid of being uncomfortable because I have seen the beauty it draws out.
So I am doing it.... I am going to move.... I am going to leap... I am going to obey...

It's Monday!!

2009-11-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

This weekend I learned two important things. On Saturday I was feeling lonely, which lead to an awesome prayer time. I left that time knowing God was with me in every situation. On Saturday night and Sunday afternoon God blessed me with an amazing time with friends, new and old. I walked away from the weekend reassured in my heart of Gods tender heart towards me. I also learned that He is worth it everyday, whether good or bad. I have so much to be thankful for.
44. Friends new and old
45. My mom who has taught me the joy of serving God
46. Switch- I love that ministry so much and I know God has good things for it.
47. The tenderness of God
48. The joy of worship
49. Lunch with people from across the world
50. Going to a movie with the Groves
51. I am thankful God has kept me healthy this season
52. Text messages from my dad. It still cracks me up that he texts
53. God being so kind that He will take away anything that hinders our love
54. That fact that people come from around the world just to pray
55. Hope for tomorrow
56. Coffee
57. The encouragement of a true friend. Chrissy I love you:)
58. Fresh revelation on the book of James
59. The whole bible...even though reading through Leviticus is a little difficult it is cool to see how clear God makes things for the Children of Israel just so he can be near them.
60. Abby coming downstairs yesterday to tell me all about the zoo
61. My niece thinking I am the best seamstress in our family (wrong)
62. The freedom to worship in America
63. Letters in the mail from friends
64. Cereal- The worlds best snack
65. Gods guidance

Updates/Prayer

2009-11-08T21:42:00.000-08:00

I am entering into the last few weeks of my time in Missouri. I cannot believe how quickly time has flown by. It has been so life changing and I know more is to come. As I approach the reality of going home I am left wondering what is next. I am not sure what God has for me. I know the things I am called to, but only God knows how and where they will come to pass. I have a heart for my home and I have a heart for here. Yet, I am not worried about tomorrow.
One thing I have learned very clearly in life is that when you honestly trust fully in God and submit to Him, He will guide you. Sure I may have no clue what next year will bring, but I do know God is guiding me. I know that when I get home I have the tools to flourish in God. I know that whatever God has me do this year it is going to be good. So in all the uncertainty I am smiling. I know God and He is good.
I am praying that in my remaining time here God will speak to me clearly two things.
1. What is it you want me to bring to Portland?
2. What is the next step?
I ask that if you read this blog you pray the same things for me. I believe with all my heart God will show me. Please comment anything I can pray for you about in my remaining time at IHOP.

For Who He Is

2009-11-07T20:03:00.000-08:00

I was having a rough day, which happens from time to time. I was thinking about how I must find a place to live when I get home and I was sad. I do not like to make plans that only involve me. I don't like the reality that I am single sometimes. It is hard. It is lonely. I try to convince myself that it is really not that bad, but it never really works. I was looking around at target and it just hit me this overwhelming urge to speak to God, I needed to take care of this feeling before I was completely sad.
I went to my car, turned on worship music, laid the seat back and I began to pour my heart out before the one to understands. I used to struggle with feeling heard by God, but today I knew He heard every word and He cared. I prayed for breakthrough in my life. I prayed that I would remember He is always there and I am never alone. I prayed that He would cause my husband to come and I prayed that this season would finally come to an end. After some time I just sat and listened. I did not hear much, but I felt His comfort. I saw Him picking me up, wiping my tears, and telling me everything was going to be ok. I turned up the radio really loud and I began to sing in the spirit. Soon I began to sing my own song to the Lord.
"I don't want to focus on me, I want to focus on You. O Lord, God of mercy, faithful to the end..."
As I began to worship Him the loneliness that tried to beat me lifted. My circumstances did not visibly change, but my heart did. I see that the less I focus on me the more I have faith for the things God has promised me. I am only beginning to understand this truth, but I love the freedom it has given me. For the first time I can pour everything out before God, knowing He hears. I can say all I need to say and I can leave it with Him. When I have poured everything out I worship Him for who He is and He fills me with faith and hope. He is so good to me.
When you have a hard time tell God. Tell Him everything that is on your heart, He wants to hear. After you let everything out let Him pour back in. He is a God who never changes and His goodness is never ending. He is worth worshipping. Not for what He does, but for who He is.

A WOW DAY

2009-11-05T14:56:00.000-08:00

There are days when God uses someone to communitacte so clearly what He is speaking all you can say is "wow". That is what happend to me today in class. Currently we are studying the book of James and how to become a end time messanger. One of the keys to the book of James is the combining of faith and works. We are living in a "do good" society. It is trendy to help the poor and needy. The word justice is tossed around in and out of the church. As the church we are to be set apart from the world so how in the area of justice can we do that?
Today the teacher said something that answer the question of how. He said, "When you feed the poor and it does not lead to the message of Jesus you are setting the stage for the anti-christ system." When I first heard that I was shocked! How could this be true? He went on to explain that during the end times the anti christ will rise up to the cry of peace peace. He will help the needy, do miracles, and being seemingly good. He will do all this to proclaim himself as god. If we are to be different faith and works must be hand in hand. We must always "do good" with a message to back it up. Everything should point to one man, Jesus Christ. If we are truly going to address the world issues and start a revolution we must first awaken our faith and remember that it is not just works and it is not just faith, it is both that will change society. It is both that the world needs in order to be saved.

Peace

2009-11-04T23:00:00.001-08:00

One of my favorite shows is the Gilmore Girls. It is a show full of crazy people all living in the same small town. Tonight a clip from that show popped into my head that I want to share. In this particular show Luke (main dude) is talking to his well meaning, but nutty sister about life philosophy. His sister has recently decided that she is going to live by a new life motto "come what may." She goes onto explain that this means no matter what happens, "come what may" let it happen. If a bus is about to hit you let it hit you. Luke tries to explain to her why this is a bad idea, but to no avail. She continues on in her "come what may" thinking.
Often in my life I have a "come what may" thinking when it comes to relationships. Drama, fighting or disagreement starts and all the sudden my back bone disappears. I can no longer speak, I just want to agree so that what the drama can end. I want to keep the peace. I am a drama hating, "come what may," peace keeper. The problem with this is I don't serve a drama free, "come what may" God. He is quite the opposite.
God is so passionate about upholding righteousness He turns the tables in the temple, He calls Peter satan, He uses the term brood of vipers regularly. He has a serious back bone and He is not about being a peace keeper. He is a peace maker. Recently, we studied the B attitudes and one thing that resonated in my spirit was the difference between a peace maker and a peace keeper. A peace keep is someone who will to anything to stop the drama and make everyone happy. A peace maker is the person willing to search for the root of the issue, even when it stirs the pot, in order for peace to dwell.
In relationships we are given to options to be peace keepers or peace makers. We can tell people what they want to hear or what God needs them to hear. I am not saying go out and speak everything that is on your mind. That is just dumb. What I am saying is that if you want a life full of meaningful relationships you have to be willing to speak up from time to time and sharpen one another. You have to be willing do go through the ugly process of making peace rather than keeping peace.
Matthew 5:9 "Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons of God."

Ode to Musicals

2009-11-03T17:42:00.000-08:00

I love musicals. I love that people break into song in the middle of talking. I love that everyone knows how to sing and dance. I love that everyone knows the same songs. I just love that they seem so far from reality. In musicals you never have to wonder what people are feeling, because they sing it.
I love to sing. If it was not frowned upon I would break out in song while talking to people. I would sing to them everything that is on my mind. Unfortunately, life is not a musical. Life is talking and wondering what in the world people are thinking. Life with God on the other...
Life with God is my musical. It is the one time I am able to sing everything I am thinking, feeling and wanting to say. He sings over me and I sing to Him. He sings songs of love and I sing them back. We know the words to all the same songs. We have one heart. With God I can burst into a chorus and it makes Him smile. His songs always start with love. My songs have questions, but His are full of reassurance. Our musical is beautiful and I love it.

Monday monday

2009-11-02T08:04:00.000-08:00

What a beautiful weekend. I spent the weekend with the Groves. I have known the Groves since I was 15ish and they are family through and through. This week I was missing my family a lot so I decided to go visit the Groves. We have a weekend full of bonfires, sleeping late, monoploy, a walk in the woods, and laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. It was a beautiful. I am glad to be back in Kansas City and I am ready to go to the prayer room this afternoon, but first my multitude of thanks!

33. Family- whether blood related or not

34. My bro-in-laws. They are so nice. They call to check in and I love them

35. Weekends off that include God.

36. The beauty of Gods faithfulness

37. Talking to my friend Rachel as if nothing in life has changed since we met 8 years ago.

38. Taking a walk in the woods and enjoying Gods creation

39. The sunshining through my window

40. Worship music

41. TrueLife

42. beauty of God

43. I am so thankful that today we are going to begin our study on the book of James

Auntie

2009-10-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

Being an auntie is one of the highlights of my life. When my nephew was born I became an auntie for the first time. Soon following his arrival my oldest niece joined the family, I knew it was the way God intended. They crack me up more than anyone. As an auntie I spoil them and than send them home. They still don't think I am ever serious. In February I was made an auntie again and I was thrilled. To see the joy in your sisters face is worth more than words.
One thing I love about being an auntie are those rare moments you get to be apart of a first. My nephew gave me my first(and only) hickey at six weeks. He was the first baby boy in our family. I was able to see a lot of firsts with him. My oldest niece came around later so I missed her firsts until this summer when I pulled out her first tooth. She was so brave and we got it out in no time. She may never let me near her face again, but that is ok. Yesterday, my baby niece clapped for the first time while I was on skype. It was a little treasure to my heart to see her chubby little hands finally master the art of clapping. She was so proud of herself. As an auntie I don't get to be apart of every moment, but God saves a little treasure here and there just for me.

quiet

2009-10-29T15:39:00.000-07:00

For many years I was shy. I was unable to talk when I felt uncomfortable in any way. I am no longer that shy, but one thing has stuck from all those years of quiet, sometimes I have nothing to say. I have quiet days. I have days where all I really want to do is listen. I just have days where my words are few. These days don't come often, but here and there they hit me. It is not quiet due to sadness or self reflection it is just a listening day.
Today I am quiet. I have few words, but my heart is overflowing. Today I sit and I listen as I read the word. I sit and wait to hear the voice of God, the one I love. I sit and stare into His eyes waiting to hear the faintest whisper. I don't need to say anything, my heart speaks volumes over any words I could produce. He has captured me and all I want to do is hear. Some days I want to shout of His goodness, but today I want to sit and listen.
I am thankful for my quiet day. I am thankful that in the silence I can hear God's voice. I am pouring all I have out He hears me. When I am talking a mile a minute he listens. Today I quiet my spirit that He may pour out His heart. Take a quiet day. Just listen. Listen to the voice of the one you love, He has much to tell you.

Resting

2009-10-28T09:27:00.000-07:00

The last few nights I have not been able to fall asleep. I have been going to bed at a normal time and than lying there awake...thinking. I think about my life now and what my life looks like. In the past I have been a worrier, I still am at times, but God is teaching me how to rest in Him.
Yesterday I was lying there reading and God revealed a little nugget if truth to me in a book. In the book The Shulamite's Cry, the author was talking about how David learned to rest in God. Psalm 131:1 says, "Neither do I concern myself with great matters, nor things to profound for me." As I kept reading about resting in God I understood finally what it meant. It meant I could take every dream, desire, and thought before God talk to Him about it and leave it there. I can rest in knowing that He knows me better than I know myself, He knows my needs before I do and He loves to listen to me. He longs for me to trust Him and the more I give Him the more I am free. So as I lay in bed, with thoughts crossing my mind, I have begun to surrender them one by one. Even if it seems small and fleeting God can have it. In Him I have found rest and perfect peace.

One Month

2009-10-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

Today real life came knocking. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but I was avoiding it. I am in a place with only Jesus. I have few friends, no job, and little family (Groves are here) in Missouri, nothing to keep me from investing every spare moment I can find into my relationship with Jesus.

Today I received an email from work at home. A reminder that real life it a month away. At first I wanted to cry. I my heart has been changed while I have been here. I feel as though I have met Jesus for the first time. He has become more real to me than any other season of my life and the thought of other things coming between us makes me so sad. As I walked to class on this beautiful fall morning the sadness faded. I was reminded of how much of what God has done in me has made me long for home.

I want to tell everyone how enjoyable serving God is. I want to be a driving force in the awakening of prayer in Portland. I want to see Switch grow with 65 new souls. I want to watch my family grow closer as we challenge one another to pursue the Lord a little deeper. I want to see the families I nanny for come to know the God I love and give my life for. I want to show others that it is possible to make Jesus first in all things. I want to live this life of prayer in the midst of everyday things. That is my desire.

Thankful
12. a vision for home
13. The anticipation of Chrissy and I opening our journals and sharing the intimate parts of our hearts over a great cup of coffee
14. Dancing with the Lord when it is just He and I.
15. makeup time with Maudi, who is convinced that we must be twins at all times.
16. The goodness of God in every season of life
17. Faith for promises I have yet to see fulfilled
18. Elliana showing her awesome raspberry skills over skype
19. Malachi's tender heart
20. Singing to the Lord from my heart.
21. Serving a Joyful Righteous King
22. The ability to dream
23. Knowing that not a single prayer I pray falls to the ground
24. Memories of my Grandpa waking up everyday with a song on his lips.
25. The Harms- they have welcomed me into there family while here is Missouri
26. Family in God
27. Knowing that God has a heart of restoration
28. Complete freedom from the past
29. Not feeling trapped in shyness every time I leave the house
30. My Daddy coming to see me and drive my car home. I love being the baby.
31. Family dinner-I never thought I would miss them so much.
32. The Gospels. They have come alive!!

Faith

2009-10-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

For a while I have been wanting to think of a creative way to make a statement of faith to God. He has given me so many promises in life that I want to see come to pass, but even more He wants to see them come to pass. I am beginning to realize the best thing I can do is embrace the mystery of God, stop trying to figure out how or when and just believe. I wanted something to show that there has been a mark on my heart in the area of faith. I wanted a reminder that when I pray over the promises He has given me and pray according to His will it is a YES!

Last night as i was about to go to sleep I realized what I needed a faith journal. Not a journal full of thoughts, but full of promises. I wanted it to be full of verses on faith and prayers of faith.

My mom gave me a journal when she was here and now it has been deemed my "faith journal". I have only just begun, but the first page is full of verses and than each page after that starts with By Faith.... I have a page for everyone in my family, myself, my future spouse, my future kids, salvation, church and there are more pages to come. I have so much more to do, but I love that this little faith journal can be a testament to me that GOD has heard, HE has answered, and in time I will see how it comes to pass.

Meditate

2009-10-21T18:11:00.000-07:00

At commission we have been talking a lot about how in order to have sustaining prayer, you must have enjoyable prayer. This has been hitting so hard to me because prayer has often been a struggle. It is not that I do not love God, but somehow long periods of praying seem difficult. Well, we have talked a lot about different things to do in time of prayer and one of those is mediation on the word.
Meditation on the word has always seems like a far off idea to me. I thought it meant you sit down and think, after that five seconds was over than what??? Our wonderful teacher Ian gave us some things to help us meditate on the word that I want to pass on to you.
1. Pick a verse that reveals Gods heart for you or that really speaks to you.
2. Take a piece of paper and make three sections. One large section to write out your prayer, a side section to write future studies that come to you while meditating, one section to recognize distractions (this is so you can address distractions without having to loose focus)
3. With your verse you will read it, write out what He says to you through it, sing it, say it OUT LOUD, and think about it.
Here is an example verse from today
Ps. 36:7 "How precious is you lovingkindness, O God, Therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of Your wing."
My writing : Your lovingkindness is better than life. When I am in the safety of your love I have nothing to fear. I love you, because You first loved me. Your love is precious, it is sweet.
Think: God gave me a picture. I was at the beach and as I getting out of the water and it was sticky and I needed to rinse off the salt water. If i did not rinse off I would have a film on my skin. Spiritually we have a film on our inner man from living in this world and we must constantly be washed in His lovingkindness.
Try all the steps for yourself. I did this for 25min today and it seemed so short. It really does make a difference.

Thankful...

2009-10-19T17:23:00.000-07:00

It has been a full weekend. My heart is overwhelmed by how good God is to me. I have had a very good life, yet I still struggle with Gods love for me. I wonder how such a God could love me. After all what have I done? The truth being I have done nothing to earn His love, He just wants me to have it.
Over the weekend God poured His love over me by the bucket. I could not escape it. It was His subtle reminder that He is never going to leave me, betray me, and He will always care. I carry scars from wounds others have caused and wounds I have self inflicted. I am still tender in many areas due to these wounds, but God gently touches each one with His healing love. He does not rush past any, He takes His time until one by one the scars begin to fade. He knows the deepest parts of me and He loves me. I am so glad I serve such a good God.
I would like to start writing the things I am thankful for like my awesome mom so here goes...
1. The tender love of God
2. being in Missouri for this season of my life
3. My Mom. She inspires me everyday.
4. My Dad. No matter how old I get I know he will do anything for me.
5. Facebook. I love being able to see pictures of my baby niece as she is growing and changing
6. God never giving up on me
7. My quilt from grandma stewart
8. A warm cup of tea before bed
9. The leaves changing
10. My sisters. We are all very different and I love it.
11. My Bible. I grow to love it more everyday.